THE ART OF NOT GIVING A FUCK

 

The older I get the less I give a fuck. There’s something incredibly freeing about knowing you have limited time left on this earth. I used to give a fuck. Often. About what men thought, family, peers. And then I realized these people had some very stringent ideas about who I should be. For them.

In my 20s I once dated a man who worked in politics in Washington DC. He continually expressed surprise any time I uttered a big word. “You know, you’re really very intelligent,” he’d say, as if intelligence and beauty were mutually exclusive. I got a subscription to the NY Times for him because he so valued intelligence despite me not giving a fuck about politics. Nowadays, I won’t even consider a date with someone who supports my opposing party.

Another boyfriend of mine was horrified I didn’t know the capital of each state. He gave me a list, told me to study hard, and then he’d pop quiz me out of the blue. Before a movie, before bed, “Psst, what’s the capital of Georgia?” I didn’t give a fuck about the capitals, but I performed like a good show dog does for treats. If I had a man do that to me now, I’d tell him to go fuck himself. In Atlanta.

I’ve been called “crazy” numerous times, because I’m passionate. Because I have a temper. Because I like to fuck in risqué places, because I don’t follow the status quo. My mother recently asked me what I planned to do about the family once I published my erotic romance. “Are you going to tell them about it? What will you do if they want to read it?”

I told her, “I don’t give a fuck whether they read it or not. I’m too old to be ashamed of what I do and if people want to judge me, let them.”

I’m done trying to please people. I’m done making excuses for who I am as a person, as offensive as that may be to those with more delicate aesthetics. I own my craziness, my passion, my sexuality, my uniqueness. For every quality that people shame, they don’t realize it contributes to the whole being. “If you weren’t “this way,” you also wouldn’t be “that way.”

Here’s what happened when my friend married a certain man primarily because he’d be a good father. He’s a great father, but as a husband and lover? Meh. Another friend of mine married a woman he knew would be a great mother and housewife. What a surprise they no longer have sex. Another man I know married someone for her efficient organizational skills in the hope that it would help him keep his shit together. “She’s organized all right, but she’s the meanest, most boring person alive,” he told me, “and everyone else thinks so, too, even our kids.”

My point? You can’t have the good without also accepting the bad. You can’t not marry a woman because you deem her “crazy,” and then a few years down the road want to have an affair with someone “crazy” because your wife is so freaking dull in bed. You can’t marry a conservative, stable man and then complain about him only wanting sex in the bedroom. You got what you bargained for, now deal with it.

OWN YOUR SHIT. And don’t ever let anyone else make you feel bad for it. For every thing that people tried to change in me, I wish I had been strong enough to tell them to fuck off. The right person “gets” you; the wrong person shames you. Be proud of your strengths; be proud of your weaknesses. Embrace everything as part of a whole, a yin/yang thing, if you will.

Those who truly love and respect you won’t want you to ever be something you’re not. I know many couples who’ve suppressed their innermost desires with their mates for fear of rejection or humiliation. At what cost, I wonder. I know a man whose girlfriend is fine with him being with another man sexually, but would flip out knowing he was with another woman. So, he lies about being with other women.

2 nights ago I ran in to this 27-year-old who’s been asking me out since he was 21. Finally, I said to him, “Look, being a mother is my first priority. I don’t date. I don’t bring men around my son. All my energies go toward raising him.”

I didn’t care how weird it might have sounded. I don’t care if people think I’m some crazy spinster who will accumulate more cats the older she gets. I’ll fall in love when I’m done raising my son. Or not.

Despite my vow of remaining relationship-less, I’m very open sexually. I love talking about sex. It amazes me how so many are uptight about discussing anything sexual when it’s as natural as eating or breathing. They wonder why they have problems in the bedroom. When you pull the stick out of your ass and actually communicate about your wants and desires without fear of losing the person, that’s when you’re truly liberated. So what if you lose your partner? Is it easier to live a lie? So many women long to be dominated sexually by their man (or men wanting to dominated by women) and yet, they can’t tell them. They’d rather remain frustrated, resentful, unfulfilled. All because they’re worried about losing the other person who they probably shouldn’t have married in the first place.

Stop giving so many fucks.

One life. Limited time. Think about it.

WRITING, MEN, INSANITY, AND CHAOS

It’s been forever since I’ve posted, which makes me feel bad about myself because I used to post much more frequently. On the other hand, I’ve been working on my book and that has taken up all my time and energy. Writing a novel is all-consuming in that it becomes the only thing you think about morning, noon, and night. It’s like having an obsessive crush on someone who feels only Meh about you. If they show you any positive attention, you’re on top of the world (much like one feels when writing goes well), but most of the time, they could care less about you, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and frustrated (much like one feels when they think what they wrote that day stinks, or they haven’t written a single word at all).

I’m not going to lie. It’s freaking tough to write when you’re a single parent. My writing needs to be done while the boy is at school or it doesn’t get done. I remember reading an article about Jacquelyn Mitchard, the author of The Deep End of the Ocean whose husband’s sudden death left her needing to come up with a way to support her kids. She wrote that book sitting at the kitchen table with her kids running all over the place, amidst chaos and confusion.

So I tried it the other night. Writing amidst chaos and confusion. I sat my ass on the couch, Friends reruns on the TV, with my son sitting next to me, constantly interrupting to show me asinine YouTube videos he finds hilarious. The fact that I was trying to write a sex scene is neither here nor there. I wrote 2 sentences and then gave up. Even now, while writing this, the boy is in his room, blasting rap music and shouting at his Xbox. I know I’ll be lost once he gets older and moves out, but at the moment, it’s a picture this lover of peace and quiet is having a hard time imagining.

Sometimes novels and all the research that goes in to them are wonderful for self-realization. One of my main characters is bipolar, so I’ve done a crapload of research on bipolar disorder, only to come to realize I’m 99% sure my father is bipolar, which is why he’s been such an insane asshole all these years. Not that people with bipolar disorder are insane assholes, but left untreated and choosing to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, a lot of their behavior is very asshole-y.

You would think I’d have some revelatory A-ha moment and feel sorry for him for having an illness he can’t help, but I don’t. Truth is, he’s known he’s had a mood disorder for many, many years. God knows his entire family has told him as much. But when he went to his Beverly Hills physician years ago to discuss his “possible” mood disorder, the doctor excused it by telling him he was simply a Type-A personality and intense, and every Type-A person was like that.

He came home so proud after that, like a peacock strutting his colorful feathers, because he had gotten validation from a “physician to the stars,” and therefore, he didn’t have no stinking problem. Hey, here’s a heads up. When family and friends don’t want to be around you more often than not, if your moods go up and down like the strength tester game at the county fair, if your wife threatens to leave you every time you go through a particularly intolerable heinous period, then you got a stinking problem!

But it’s not my problem anymore, plus I’m out of the will anyway.

So, what else is going on? Well, I’m still single. I tried dating someone casually, but that didn’t work out too well. I went in to it stating, “I don’t want a serious relationship” (meaning You will never be my priority), but he took it as, “I hear what you’re saying, but I will eventually wear you down.” Ah, men and their love of challenges. I get it though. The first (and last) time I pursued something with a man who, straight off the bat said, and I quote: “I don’t want a relationship,” I completely ignored those words, too. Because after all, who wouldn’t want a relationship with me? I’m fabulous.

Turned out he did in fact want a relationship. Just not with me. He ended up marrying my son’s elementary school principal, and is now happily living in an all-White neighborhood where everyone makes six-figures (despite him being a tatted-up Hispanic custodian).

Anyhoo, back to this guy. After a few dates, he said to me, “I’m wearing you down, aren’t I? Tell me you’re not falling for me just a little bit” to which I responded in all my blunt honesty (since I don’t know how to be any other way), “I’m really not, and I meant what I said from the get-go.”

But he still kept at it. The situation reminded me of Gary Larson’s Far Side cartoon: What we say to dogs versus What they hear. The owner points to his dog, saying “Okay, Ginger! I’ve had it! You stay out of the garbage! Understand, Ginger? Stay out of the garbage, or else!” But the dog only hears, “blah blah Ginger blah blah blah blah blah Ginger blah blah blah…”

So, since we always seem to refer to men as dogs, I’m guessing what this guy heard was pretty much the same thing.

In all fairness to him he dodged a bullet, because I’m certainly no prize. I have my hands full with an ADD son who randomly sneaks up and attacks me much like Cato does with Inspector Clouseau in The Pink Panther movies, which has turned me in to a woman “on the edge” at all times, a 6-year-old diva dog who still pisses on the one remaining carpet whenever she feels like it, and a bulimic cat.

Then there’s me who, while you’re talking, is thinking about how to solve that plot problem, instead of listening to you.

 

What’s new with you?

BAD BOYS ARE LIKE TOO MUCH MEXICAN FOOD

I have this male friend who always dates crazy women. And then ends up complaining about them, claiming they’re “emotional fucktards.” I get it—the crazy ones are uninhibited, fun and unpredictable, like a fast ride on a mechanical bull. Problem is no one can stay on a bull for very long. It’s exhausting, and you often wind up face down on a dirty, sawdust-covered bar floor, wishing you were home in your recliner, watching TV and drinking a longneck.

Bad boys are the equivalent of emotional fucktard women. I’m constantly asked by men what women see in bad boys, why they never go for the nice guys. I’m a former bad boy lover. Nothing got me going more than a tall, dark, emotionally-retarded guy with tattoos who could kick some ass if someone looked at him wrong. It stemmed from my teenage years when I hung out with the neighborhood guys—high school dropouts with absent fathers, tough guys who got tattooed at age 15 and watched their older brothers succumb to heroin addiction.

Not exactly marriage material. But when you’re a nut as I was you’re not thinking long-term. If you’re a girl who likes to take a walk on the wild side and is used to getting what she wants, you’re going to be attracted to a man who can “handle” you. A man who makes you work for the relationship, for the thrill, for the challenge. Nutty women don’t like easy. Or smooth. Or drama-free. Every day needs to feel like they’re on a movie set or else they get bored. And if you’re loca, boredom is a fate worse than death.

A bad boy keeps you guessing, longing, gives you the continual sensation of sprinting barefoot across scorching hot pavement. And this can be very exciting. For a while. Until you suffer a mild concussion from being slammed up against the wall. Until you’re forced to work two jobs because he can’t hold down one. Until he goes out drinking with his buddies even though you just found out your father died. Until you realize he brings his cell to the bathroom while he showers.

“I still don’t understand why girls go for bad boys,” nice guys cry.

Women go for men who are confident, exciting, adventurous, challenging, masculine, and in-control. So if you’re all this as well as a nice guy, and your face doesn’t look like it’s been run over by a rototiller, you shouldn’t be having any problems getting the ladies.

“But why do women stay with guys who treat them like crap?”

Because they’re emotional fucktards. It’s as simple as that. Like attracts like. Dysfunction attracts dysfunction. Men need to stop trying to analyze bad boys and instead, analyze the woman they’re attracted to who’s going for the bad boys. No self-respecting woman puts up with a bad boy’s crap. The ones who are attracted to the bad boys are insecure, have low self-esteem, and/or have Daddy issues. Do you really want to be with a woman like that?

I was an emotional fucktard with Daddy issues and a Florence Nightingale complex. But recently I’ve experienced a modicum of emotional growth as a human being; therefore the bad boys have lost their appeal. Now I can smell their cologne a mile away. Now when they give me that head nod and say “Hey” (not “Hi,” mind you. Only nice guys say “Hi.”) I keep my head down and continue walking. I’ve learned that getting involved with bad boys is like eating too much Mexican food. It may taste good going in, but you’re gassy and bloated for days and your ass burns when it comes out.

So for all you nice guys out there, let the bad boys have their relationshits with the emotional fucktards of the world and go find yourselves a nice girl you can bring home to Mom.

I SHOULD BE A GYNECOLOGIST IN MY NEXT LIFE

A male friend and I have this ongoing argument without resolution. He claims there are female nymphomaniacs out there—women who only want sex for sex’s sake, women who need it, a lot of it and often. I argue that it doesn’t matter how many men women sleep with, they’re almost always hoping these numerous encounters might turn into something more, that they sleep with all these men because they’re really looking for a relationship.

Now I’m not saying there aren’t many cases where a woman gets drunk and ends up going home with a troll. Usually when she sobers up she realizes her poor choice in judgment. And runs home to take not 1, but 2 showers. I’m referring more to the girls who give it up too soon to men who more often than not prove to be unworthy by never getting in touch with them again.

Case in point: My 26-year-old neighbor came over the other day. Background: Lives at home with her mother with 2 daughters under the age of 7 from 2 different baby daddies.

So she came over and said, “I have this huge favor to ask you” to which I immediately answered, “No, I’m not watching your kids.” Because that’s usually what she asks of me, and let me just say right here, I’m so glad I have a boy and not girls; those 2 are loud and chatty and whiney and active.

“No, it’s not that,” she told me. Then she got this sheepish look on her face, and in a hushed tone said, “You know how I just got an IUD put in, right?” Yes, I did know, because my neighbor went in to get her 5^th abortion and the nurse told her (didn’t ask) that she was inserting an IUD during her next visit. “I can’t feel the string that’s supposed to be hanging down from it. The nurse said I’m supposed to check it to make sure it’s hanging down, but…” She held up her fingers and wiggled her 2-inch-long painted nails adorned with rhinestones. “The problem is I can’t get all up in there to find it.”

I stared at her. Finally, I said, “Ummm…” She spoke faster. “I had sex a couple days ago and now I can’t feel the string. I can’t feel the string!” she said in near hysterics. “I can’t get pregnant again! I just can’t!” No argument from me. “I need you to see whether you can find the string and pull it down. Please,” she begged.

“Fine,” I sighed, and followed her to her house. I didn’t actually have a problem with this. I mean, I’m a licensed esthetician, so I’ve had my face in between the legs of women spread-eagled on the table for a Brazilian wax. It’s no big deal. Although having my fingers inside a woman puts a different spin on the whole thing. I’m happy to report that with the donning of a latex glove I soon discovered I knew where everything was from personal experience. And while I had to do some major digging and feeling around inside her that was at times slightly awkward, I managed to find that string, dammit, and pull that sucker down without yanking out the IUD. I would have made an awesome gynecologist.

“Are you sure you felt it? You felt it, right? Are you sure?” I reassured her that I had. “Thank you,” she said.

“I’m just glad I didn’t have to buy you dinner first.”

I stayed a little while afterward and she told me how stupid she felt because she had let herself be used by someone who had sworn it would be different. Uh-huh. How many times have women heard that? We often make the mistake of sleeping with men too soon. Why? They pressure us? We’re horny? We’re afraid we’ll lose them?

Magazine articles claim if you have sex with a man too soon, they’ll lose respect for you, figuring you must do it right away with every man you meet. One of my male friends agrees; another says it’s an antiquated notion. I waited a month before I slept with my ex. I figured if I wanted a serious relationship, then I needed to “send that message.” It worked, but he was also having sex with someone else at the time, so I doubt if it was too big a hardship.

My neighbor became misty-eyed as she told me how much it had hurt that this guy hadn’t responded to any of her calls or texts–my neighbor, who the ONLY time I have seen become warm and fuzzy was when she was pregnant and had more estrogen flowing through her, I suppose. But she was genuinely sad and disillusioned, and tired from it having been done to her many times before.

Hey, I’ve been there. What could I say? Wait 4 weeks before you get naked with a man? Respect yourself more? If they’ve been in prison, they may not be a reliable bet? Pocket their cell phone so they have to get a hold of you?

I have no idea. I’m a gynecologist, not a psychologist.

BAD BOYS MAKE CRAPPY HUSBANDS

Last week a friend of mine claimed that a lot of women were idiots when it came to men, not only for choosing losers, but sticking with them long after they should. There wasn’t really anything I could say to defend myself and my gender, because sadly, he’s right.

I think there are 2 main reasons for why women like bad boys (aka Losers, since I’ve never met a bad boy who wasn’t a loser). One reason is what I like to call the Florence Nightingale Syndrome. Florence Nightingale became a nurse during the 1800s against her family’s wishes. She was from an upper class family and nursing was something people from lower class families did. Now Florence didn’t actually fall in love with any of her patients; she simply cared deeply for them and had a great passion for nursing.

Women who fall in love with bad boys take on the role of caretaker, nurturer, doormat. They think they can change him, make him a “better” person, kiss away the demons that haunt him. They truly believe he’s misunderstood, rough around the edges (with a little TLC we can smooth those out), and been dealt a bad hand in life. They know with all their hearts that he’s simply a victim of circumstances: “If only he didn’t have that bitch ex-wife demanding child support for their 6 kids.” “If only his father hadn’t been an alcoholic womanizer, he might have gone to college, instead of joining a gang.” And the excuses go on and on.

We women love to make excuses for our men. We make excuses for their bad behavior. I did it all the time for my ex. “He didn’t have a proper role model growing up to show him the right way to do things,” I’d tell people. So I took on the task of showing him how to take responsibility for his life. I was 29, and honestly believed men could change with just a little “guidance.” The problem was once I took on the role of caretaker, it became my role for the life of the relationship. The dynamics never changed. So when I popped out my son and suddenly had this little being completely dependent on me 24/7, guess what happened? I didn’t want to take care of a man-boy anymore; I needed him to step up and be 100% man. But because I had always treated him like a little boy, he didn’t know how to be one.

Lesson learned: It’s okay to take care of your man in the kitchen and the bedroom. Other than that, he’s on his own. He has demons? His demonic ass needs to go to therapy. He doesn’t know how to manage money? There’s this beautiful thing called Google—Have him Google “Money Management Skills.” Bitch ex-wife? Try Mediation through the Courts. Felony on his record? You’re on your own for dating him in the first place.

I have since learned to never take on more than I should—life is just too damn hard. I didn’t win any medals for being a super great person. And my ex won’t be at my bedside when I die.

The second reason women fall for bad boys is because they want some excitement in their mundane, bogged-down-by-routine lives. Bad boys are unpredictable. You never know when, or if they’ll show up. And we all know how hot it is to be treated like crap, especially if we’re used to those boring, nice guys, right? And the best part of bad boys? The sex. There’s nothing like passionate, angry make-up sex up against a concrete wall in the middle of a dark alley.

But here’s the thing: The bad boy is so good at sex because 1) He has lots of practice, all the time, with lots of different women, and 2) That’s what he puts his energy toward, instead of a career, education, or cooking classes.

The moral of my diatribe? Bad boys are fun in your 20s (as long as there are condoms involved); They should be used infrequently in your 30s, until you finally realize through lots of therapy that whatever behavior you allow will continue, so you kick him to the curb; And if you’re still dallying with bad boys in your 40s or 50s, you need to think of them like disposable douches—to be used once and then promptly thrown away.

CHAMELEON BARBIE

Ever look back on your youth and realize what a misguided asshat you were? Recall memories that make you inwardly cringe? That’s pretty much how I feel about my entire 20s and 30s when it comes to men. Men I was romantically involved with, that is. I had tons of male friends who all thought I was cool beans; it was when I fell for a man that I became this f*cked-up Stepford, or Chameleon Barbie. You know Chameleon Barbie—she’s the girl who transforms into whatever she thinks her guy wants. The one who doesn’t have an opinion of her own or hobbies unless they’re the same as her love interest.

Yes, I am embarrassed to admit this was me. I attribute it to never having been involved in sports. I always hear how girls who participate in sports have more self-confidence, and they’re so busy with sports that whenever they get asked out by a boy they tell them to “Talk to the hand,” instead. I should have told more guys to talk to the hand, but I was too busy getting my nails done so my hands would look pretty for men.

I don’t know why I felt like I had to change who I was just to impress a man. I suppose I thought he wouldn’t like the real me. The trouble was the person he’d see wasn’t the real me, either. For instance, when I found out my college boyfriend had cheated on me I got it in my mind that what he really wanted was a California “model-type.” So I went out and spent over $300 on clothes I thought he would like—short skirts, skimpy tops, heels, and proceeded to wear them on all our dates (please don’t ask why I still dated him after he cheated on me—that’s a topic for another post). I wore each outfit exactly one time. I had to cash savings bonds to pay for the clothes. Why I thought I had to look like Bimbo Barbie to attract him, I’ll never know. I just thought that if he had cheated on me, he must have wanted something else.

Then there was the guy I dated in Washington D.C. who was involved in politics. The one who always seemed surprised when I said something intelligent or came out with a big word. “You know, you’re really smart,” he’d say, as if he couldn’t believe anyone who looked like me could actually put sentences together. So what did I do to impress him? I ordered a subscription to the New York Times and read it EVERY day. Didn’t matter that I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about politics, the fact that I had the paper when he visited me scored me major points as Political Barbie.

Shall I go on? I became the greatest Svengali of all with my son’s father. When we first got together, I honed in on the fact that he was without family and undernourished. So I became Caretaker Barbie, even though I hate to cook. I stocked my fridge with food to fatten him up and I cooked him dinner each and every night, proving to him that I was a nurturing female who would make everything better. Erase all those bad childhood memories and take care of him like his mother never did.

And I had the nerve to bitch years later that he never did anything for me.

Why, oh why do some women do this? Try to be something they’re not simply to impress a man? Men wonder why women change after marriage. Well, if they’re putting on a façade, I would imagine after many years it’s too exhausting to keep up. Case in point—you won’t see me walking around outside in skimpy clothing and heels, I will not engage you in a political debate, and I sure as hell don’t cook dinner every night, not even for my son.

There needs to be a balance between pleasing another while not losing oneself completely. It’s not good to become Submissive Barbie and “take it” like Anastasia in Fifty Shades of Grey if it makes you uncomfortable; nor is telling your love, “Get your ass up and grab it yourself,” when he timidly asks you to pass the salt. No one wants to be around Bitchy Barbie, either.

 

 

EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS I LEARNED FROM MY KID

I read a lot of crap about relationships and marriage, even though I’m not in a relationship and I’ve never been married. Human dynamics fascinate me, as do the myriad reasons relationships work or don’t work. I figured because of this, it’s my duty to impart my wisdom (and I always try to be objective and not take sides—except when I’m talking about my exes).

Although I haven’t cohabitated with a man in quite some time, I consider my son to be a little man in training with similar propensities. I’ve had to learn what’s important to him, what he responds to or doesn’t respond to, and I’d like to think all this will help me in future relations with the opposite sex. Mind you, we’re taking food and sex off the table here, because if you were to ask me what men’s 3 top priorities were in life, those two would immediately come to mind. I’d be hard-pressed to think of a third, although it’d probably be a toss-up between money and family.

The following rules are the “little things” that seem important to a man.

1. When he comes home, run to greet him with an effusive hello.

I know a few wives who don’t greet their husbands at the door when they come home from work—either because they’re always in the middle of something or because they’re not touchy-feely women in general. Imo, this makes their husbands feel like they’re not happy to see them after a day of being away. When my son comes home from school, I usually see him walking from the bus before he reaches the front door. This gives me a moment to finish typing a sentence or save a document, get up from my seat and wait for him with open arms. I scream his name, the diva barks uncontrollably—It’s pure chaos and my son loves it. He runs into my arms for about 2.5 seconds before disentangling himself from me. Since he’s admitted he looks forward to this welcome every day, I make sure never to disappoint him.

2. When he’s in a bad mood, leave him alone until he decides to emerge from his shell.

This is hard for me. If I see someone in a bad mood, and especially my son, I want to know what’s wrong RIGHT AWAY. Women may be able to talk about whatever their problem is immediately, but I’ve never met a man who could. Men are like beef stew—it takes awhile for the flavors (issues) to come out. I’m not sure what they’re doing while they’re “stewing”—ruminating, perhaps? Decompressing? In any case, if I push my son to talk about what’s bothering him before he’s ready, he’ll clam up. The few times he’s come home, gone straight into his room and shut the door without saying anything are the times I’ve had to sit on my hands, literally, and give him a few moments to unwind alone. It’s tough, but way better than getting my head bitten off.

3. When he wants to tell you something, stop what you’re doing and listen.

My son’s not a big talker. Except when I’m in the middle of very important work or it’s late at night—my least favorite times to chat. Any other time I get one-word answers to my questions, but it’s when he’s in the mood to talk is when I get truly significant information, like what happened on the playground, which girl likes him, and what he wants to do when he grows up (work at GameStop so he can play video games all day). Sure, I could continue staring at the computer screen while he’s divulging deep, dark secrets, or fall asleep, but these times of disclosure are so few and far between that I make the effort to stop what I’m doing and make eye contact. Even if it kills me.

4. Be his biggest cheerleader.

If you’re not, who will be? My son lives to please me. My disapproval crushes his little spirit. Many husbands say they live for their wives’ approval and when they don’t get it, well, they do naughty things in retaliation like cheat and forget your birthday. I’ve been known to take perverse pleasure in playing the devil’s advocate simply because I like to argue, but that never puts me in good favor with a man because then they think I’m against them. Any male, whether they’re 10 or 70 wants to know that the woman who claims to love him most is in his corner. Even when he’s wrong.

5. Be interested in what floats his boat.

Oh, the pure torture when I’m in the car with no place to escape to and my boy’s yapping about the video game, Minecraft. Crap spews from his mouth like, “There were 5 creepers in a hole, so I had to YOLO dive and pull out my sword and then dive into the pit, yelling ‘YOLO!’ to try and kill them.” It would be so easy to tune it out and fantasize about a romance hero instead, but if I don’t show interest in what he’s talking about, he’ll never want to talk to me, ever. Especially when he’s a teenager. Men are the same way. You may not care how the Dow did, or even what the Dow is, but force yourself to listen anyway, because there will always be another woman out there willing to listen about the cam shifter and interrupter your man replaced in the 1988 Olds with the V-6 engine.

Anybody have anything to add to the list?

A BLIND WIFE AND A DEAF HUSBAND

Photo by Bob Doran

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.               –Michel de Montaigne

Marriage is something I can’t seem to understand—like Sudoku, fluorescent colors coming back in style, and what Lance Armstrong hoped to accomplish in his interview with Oprah. Oh, I understand the concept “in theory”; it’s the reality of it that makes me want to repeatedly bang my head against a wall.

Now, I’m not married; I’ve never been married; I doubt I’ll ever marry. I’ve been in love, sure, but I’ve never met anyone I believed I could spend the rest of my life with. That’s A LOT of years. To be with ONE person. FOREVER. Until I DIE.

The closest I’ve ever come to marriage is with a few girlfriends of mine. I used to tell them, “If I could find the male version of you, I’d get married.” And I meant it, because these girlfriends were like my sisters, and we spent mucho time together without ever wanting to strangle one other. I thought we’d be friends always.

The fact that we’re not contributes to why I view marriage the way I do—I was as close to these girls as two people can be, minus the sex, always believed they’d be in my life, but now they’re not. Poof, gone. I’ve since learned it’s an unrealistic expectation to think two people can change together over 20, 30, 40 years to the point where they still enjoy each other’s company. For example, I adore my son, but I sure as hell don’t want to live with him for the next twenty-five years.

What astonishes me is how many folks still take the plunge. Even knowing the horrible odds involved. Let’s take having children out of the equation for a moment. What compels a man to want to get married? Especially when men are such admitted commitmentphobes. Regular sex? We all know once you’re married sex becomes as frequent as something intelligent coming out of Kim Kardashian’s mouth. Societal acceptance? Peer pressure? All you need to do is talk to your married friends to find out how miserable they are. Comfort? Security? Maid/house cleaner/babysitter? Okay, so the maid/house cleaner/babysitter would probably tempt me, too.

Love? Don’t be ridiculous. Men are way more practical than that.

For me, a future husband would need to score in 3 categories:
1. We need to have similar core beliefs and values. I’m not saying he needs to be a Democrat, but if he kicks dogs when he walks by them, or shoplifts, litters, consumes fried pork rinds while guzzling Mountain Dew, and then thinks burping the alphabet is a talent, then NO.

2. We need to get along and have fun together—be able to hang out for hours on end, especially while sober. He doesn’t need to be my best friend. That’s what a girlfriend is for, or a gay male friend. My husband should be my husband. God knows, he doesn’t need the pressure to be my “best girlfriend” also. “Husband” already has enough obligations to it.
If he’s sitting on the sofa all night, playing video games and chatting with his online buddies, then no, thank you. One son who does that is enough.

3. We need to have sexual chemistry. I recently read this thread where men were bitching about their wives never giving them blowjobs. One man actually said while he and his wife were dating, she never went down on him once, but he thought once they were married, she’d start. After I unstuck the fork from my eye, I literally wanted to crawl into the thread, find the guy and shake the stupid out of him.
If I’m going to be sentenced to sex with ONE person for the rest of my existence (and I’m having a panic attack simply writing those words), then we sure as hell better rock each other’s world, because once I see him hurl, poop, or cut his toenails in bed (and inevitably I will if we’re living together), my sexual desire for him is going to go down–so it better go down from a 10 to a 7, instead of from a 7 to a 4. If desire goes down to a 4, that ain’t gonna get us through the next 30 years.

I don’t think these three things should be that difficult to find. And yet, finding them in one man has eluded me. Certainly I’ve had at least two of them while involved in a relationship, but NEVER all three. Which explains why I’m not married.

For those who are married, help me out here. Are my three needs unreasonable? If not, why is it so hard to find? Or am I just cursed? Do you think most people settle? Is the “institution” of marriage becoming an antiquated notion?

As Groucho Marx said, “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
All these answers are by children.

1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
>Alan, age 10
2. No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
>Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
1. Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
>Camille, age 10
2. No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
>Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
1. You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
>Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
1. Both don’t want any more kids.
>Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
1. Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
>Lynnette, age 8
2. On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
>Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
1. I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
>Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
1. When they’re rich.
>Pam, age 7
2. The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
>Curt, age 7
3. The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
>Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
1. I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing; I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
>Theodore, age 8
2. It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
>Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
1. There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
>Kelvin, age 8

And the Favorite is……..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
1. Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
>Ricky, age 10

8 SIGNS YOUR MAN MIGHT BE ADDICTED TO PORN

photo by thebittenword

Here’s yet another thing I have to add to My Man Checklist. In addition to asking a man within the first 3 minutes of meeting him whether he’s employed, addicted to any substances, or has mother issues, I now have to make sure he’s not an obsessive porn watcher.

Apparently porn is a huge problem for couples nowadays thanks to how readily accessible it is. No longer do men have to go to the sex shop located in the ghetto, dressed in disguise for fear of fellow churchgoers recognizing them just to purchase a raunchy video. Now any raunchiness one can imagine is just a click away.

I’ve never given much thought to the use of porn by men. Except of course, when I received the phone bill years ago and my dumbass ex had run up $300 worth of porn charges on the internet. But it never happened again, and his porn-watching never affected our sex life adversely. Or if it did, then thank God it did, because the man wanted sex like 8 times a day.

When I googled “excessive porn use by men” I read stories of young men in their twenties who no longer could maintain an erection with a female due to the fact that they’ve been masturbating to porn 3-4 times a day since the age of fourteen. (!)

(As an aside, I have to ask the question: HOW DO THESE MEN MANAGE TO GET ANYTHING DONE? Do they masturbate once upon wakening, perform a rub down on their lunch break, one more in the car or on the subway on the way home from work, and then a last one before bed? Really, it boggles my mind.)

Anyhoo, as if we women didn’t have enough to worry about sexually, what with having to maintain our weight, our appearance, the sweatpants to lingerie ratio, not to mention frequency, variation, whether our SO is having an “emotional” affair with someone, or an actual affair with a co-worker, we now have to concern ourselves with celluloid competition.

I came across an article about ways to tell if your SO is addicted to porn, but I changed the wording to reflect my own thoughts about it, so here goes—8 things to make you go, Hmmm, I wonder if my man is addicted to porn.

1. He has morphed from a social butterfly into an antisocial troll.

It’s a rare man who actually enjoys spending time with his in-laws, but if you find him suddenly making the most ridiculous excuses for getting out of visits with family, or friends—“The grout needs to be watched while it dries.” “The drill needs to be watched while it charges.”—and you come home to find the computer hasn’t moved from his lap and all those tissue boxes you bought from Costco are mysteriously gone, he just might be addicted to porn.

2. He thinks sex with you is about as exciting as scrubbing the mildew-ridden grout in the shower.

Every couple gets into sexual ruts every now and then; but if you’re straddling him in a sheer nightie, and he’s annoyed because your head is blocking the TV, there might be a teensy problem.

Or, if when you do have sex, your man seems interested in some new “unorthodox” practices, like inviting the dog to join in, ummm, PROBLEM.

3. There’s not much difference physically between playing an actual football game and sex.

Nobody’s ever complained about a little bit of spanking or hair-pulling, but if out-of-the-blue, your man starts tossing you around like a Doberman plays with a chew toy, and using language that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush…grande problema.

4. There’s zero emotional connection.

Now, there’s a fine line with this one, because a lot of men don’t look at women meaningfully during sex like they might the newest Lamborghini model, but if when having sex, his eyes glaze over and he murmurs things like, “Plumber’s here to fix your sink,” or “I wanted to talk to you about improving that F-grade I gave you,”—red alert.

5. He critiques your appearance worse than a neurotic gay stylist.

If your man starts telling you you’d look hot with double Gs, Botox lips and 6-inch heels, or he makes insensitive, absurd comments like, “Can’t you at least try to wrap your leg around your head while I do you from behind?” or “All I asked was whether you’d ever consider letting me watch you have group sex with the 3 ethnically-diverse female neighbors upstairs and the underage pizza delivery boy. Since when did you become such a prude?” Dare I say it?

6. He tells you it’s all in your head.

My ex was a master at turning situations around so everything would seem like my fault. If you confront your man about his porn use and he turns it around on you by saying, “If you hadn’t been busy during labor for 36 hours, I wouldn’t have had to watch porn,” or “I only watched it because you were neglecting me when you were going through chemo,” then watch out.

If you unearth secrets like a wall-to-wall shed full of porn DVDs (“I’m holding them for a friend, selling them on eBay, I inherited them from my Great-uncle Ed) or you discover a credit card account with charges on it like, “Schindler’s Fist,” “When Harry Ate Sally,” and “White men Can’t Hump,” it’s time to worry.

7. You think your man is having an affair—with the internet.

If your man locks his home-office door every time he goes in it, suffers from eye strain, or carpal tunnel even though his job doesn’t require any repetitive motion, he may have some ‘splaining to do. Especially to his son if his wrist goes limp every time he tries to throw a baseball to him.

8. He used to be such an upstanding citizen. Now he’s just one big giant perv.

Porn is like drugs or alcohol. The more you do, the more you need to feel good. You know how society believes once you smoke pot, you’re destined to become a heroin addict? Well, the more porn you watch, the more desensitized you become, thus eventually needing more extreme forms of porn to be able to get off. Threesomes, anal, and bondage? So humdrum after awhile. Your man may now need to see a woman riding a horse (ahem) or Geriatric Girls Gone Wild just to get excited. Is it any wonder he considers you too vanilla? And this ends up making him feel bad—very, very bad. He may even ask you to punish him because he’s been so bad…

Solutions to this problem? Singlewritermom says, “Run for the hills as fast as you can! Don’t waste your time on this one.” But singlewritermom is single for a reason, so don’t listen to me. Instead, throw all your hard-earned money toward therapy for the both of you, and fast…even better, a sex therapist. Just make sure she doesn’t look like a naughty nurse…or conservative librarian…or young schoolgirl.

BOY AM I A BITTER COCKTAIL

I never thought I’d become one of those bitter, middle-aged women who sit in a bar belting back whiskey, lamenting over how many times she’s been burned by a man. I’m not quite at the bar part yet, but the rest of it is true. You know that saying, “Love like you’ve never been hurt”? It’s absolutely impossible to do. I’m sorry, but it just is.

I have now officially been single longer than I’ve been in a relationship. I have not had a man sleep in my bed with me for the entire night since…? Jeez, it’s been nine years. To say I’m gun-shy to be in another serious relationship is an understatement.

One of my best friends doesn’t tiptoe around the fact that she thinks I’m a freak because of this. Even though she is literally the last woman I know who has never been married, she is always hooked up with someone. She admits she needs and wants to be involved with a man, although I secretly believe that because she lives in Vermont, the need for having a man help her deal with all the winter crap she has to deal with when owning a house in the boonies confuses her.

Now granted, my last relationship with my son’s father ruined my life: Imagine an 8.7-magnitude earthquake destroying your entire home, and then imagine experiencing the aftershocks for years and years after. Wouldn’t you have a panic attack every time you felt a teeny-tiny quake again, or even the rumblings of a truck go by?

“Come on, singlewritermom,” you say, “lighten up! Don’t let one diseased cow infect the entire herd.”

The problem is now that I’m in my forties and living in the suburbs, guess what kind of men I meet? I meet twenty-somethings who think by being with a cougar they will discover some elusive sexual Holy Grail, or married men who are so bored with their wives sexually, they’re willing to risk losing their beloved family for a romp in the backseat of their SUV during soccer practice.

My ex had major issues with his mother while growing up. I’m a qualified enough professional (after being with him for seven years) to declare that he is, and always will be searching for a “mother figure,” because he was blessed with such a crappy one. Hey, I get it. Your formative years are from 0-6, your mother is usually your primary caregiver; if she’s deficient or absent in any way, nine times out of ten you’re going to wind up with “issues.”

I said to myself: “Self, no more dating men with mother issues. It’s a recipe for disaster.” So what did I do when I did meet an eligible man a few years back? I ignored the red flags, of course. On my first date with Cap’n Crunch, he revealed his mom is a lesbian. Now that in and of itself isn’t a red flag, it was him telling me she had abandoned him when he was a baby, and only came back for him when he was eleven so she could collect money from the county. Enormous red bloody flag? I think so.

All this info while he downed four beers. I remember sitting there thinking, Wow, this is so great. I’m excited to be out on a date with a man who doesn’t appear to be a meth head or a pedophile. He has a job, sons…ah, fuck, he’s got mother issues. And a possible drinking problem. Damn.

I ignored my gut instinct and pursued things with him anyway. My bad. Not only was he sleeping with my son’s elementary school principal at the same time, but he ended up marrying her. She’s older than he is, makes more money than he does, and has a figure that reminds me of my Polish grandmother—soft, round, apple-shaped. Yeah, I’m sure he doesn’t have any mother issues. Ahem.

The point is now I’m jaded. I meet a man, any man, and before he can get two sentences out, I’m thinking to myself, Probably married. If not married, then he’s an alcoholic, unemployed, a player, or all three.

This is bad. This attitude ensures I will be single for the rest of my life, with nothing but cats swarming around my ankles. And my diva Chihuahua who will probably live another twenty years just to torture me. Help!