I SHOULD BE A GYNECOLOGIST IN MY NEXT LIFE

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A male friend and I have this ongoing argument without resolution. He claims there are female nymphomaniacs out there—women who only want sex for sex’s sake, women who need it, a lot of it and often. I argue that it doesn’t matter how many men women sleep with, they’re almost always hoping these numerous encounters might turn into something more, that they sleep with all these men because they’re really looking for a relationship.

Now I’m not saying there aren’t many cases where a woman gets drunk and ends up going home with a troll. Usually when she sobers up she realizes her poor choice in judgment. And runs home to take not 1, but 2 showers. I’m referring more to the girls who give it up too soon to men who more often than not prove to be unworthy by never getting in touch with them again.

Case in point: My 26-year-old neighbor came over the other day. Background: Lives at home with her mother with 2 daughters under the age of 7 from 2 different baby daddies.

So she came over and said, “I have this huge favor to ask you” to which I immediately answered, “No, I’m not watching your kids.” Because that’s usually what she asks of me, and let me just say right here, I’m so glad I have a boy and not girls; those 2 are loud and chatty and whiney and active.

“No, it’s not that,” she told me. Then she got this sheepish look on her face, and in a hushed tone said, “You know how I just got an IUD put in, right?” Yes, I did know, because my neighbor went in to get her 5th abortion and the nurse told her (didn’t ask) that she was inserting an IUD during her next visit. “I can’t feel the string that’s supposed to be hanging down from it. The nurse said I’m supposed to check it to make sure it’s hanging down, but…” She held up her fingers and wiggled her 2-inch-long painted nails adorned with rhinestones. “The problem is I can’t get all up in there to find it.”

I stared at her. Finally, I said, “Ummm…” She spoke faster. “I had sex a couple days ago and now I can’t feel the string. I can’t feel the string!” she said in near hysterics. “I can’t get pregnant again! I just can’t!” No argument from me. “I need you to see whether you can find the string and pull it down. Please,” she begged.

“Fine,” I sighed, and followed her to her house. I didn’t actually have a problem with this. I mean, I’m a licensed esthetician, so I’ve had my face in between the legs of women spread-eagled on the table for a Brazilian wax. It’s no big deal. Although having my fingers inside a woman puts a different spin on the whole thing. I’m happy to report that with the donning of a latex glove I soon discovered I knew where everything was from personal experience. And while I had to do some major digging and feeling around inside her that was at times slightly awkward, I managed to find that string, dammit, and pull that sucker down without yanking out the IUD. I would have made an awesome gynecologist.

“Are you sure you felt it? You felt it, right? Are you sure?” I reassured her that I had. “Thank you,” she said.

“I’m just glad I didn’t have to buy you dinner first.”

I stayed a little while afterward and she told me how stupid she felt because she had let herself be used by someone who had sworn it would be different. Uh-huh. How many times have women heard that? We often make the mistake of sleeping with men too soon. Why? They pressure us? We’re horny? We’re afraid we’ll lose them?

Magazine articles claim if you have sex with a man too soon, they’ll lose respect for you, figuring you must do it right away with every man you meet. One of my male friends agrees; another says it’s an antiquated notion. I waited a month before I slept with my ex. I figured if I wanted a serious relationship, then I needed to “send that message.” It worked, but he was also having sex with someone else at the time, so I doubt if it was too big a hardship.

My neighbor became misty-eyed as she told me how much it had hurt that this guy hadn’t responded to any of her calls or texts–my neighbor, who the ONLY time I have seen become warm and fuzzy was when she was pregnant and had more estrogen flowing through her, I suppose. But she was genuinely sad and disillusioned, and tired from it having been done to her many times before.

Hey, I’ve been there. What could I say? Wait 4 weeks before you get naked with a man? Respect yourself more? If they’ve been in prison, they may not be a reliable bet? Pocket their cell phone so they have to get a hold of you?

I have no idea. I’m a gynecologist, not a psychologist.

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15 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. 02fan
    Oct 22, 2013 @ 20:13:14

    You are one awesome friend!!!
    I can just imagine a guy asking a friend to “check him out” for anything. NFW would that ever happen!
    And, yes! Nymphos do exist in the real world…not just in guys dreams 🙂

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Oct 23, 2013 @ 22:16:42

      But guys watch porn and masturbate together, so how do you explain that?

      And there is no such thing as a female nympho unless she has an overabundance of testosterone in her system, in which case she will also be sporting a thick mustache.

      Reply

  2. RisingSong
    Oct 22, 2013 @ 21:06:48

    Holy sh*t! You did WHAT???? You are indeed one kind and compassionate human being. I guess that’s why she felt comfortable asking you for that favor in the first place. I mean, really! Who asks their neighbor to do that???

    Anyway, I’m impressed by your technique there…good work. I would have probably ripped the thing off. I had no idea those things had strings. Sounds like a pain in the royal, but I guess it beats pregnancy number ten!

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Oct 23, 2013 @ 22:09:31

      Friendship knows no boundaries? Stuff like that doesn’t faze me too much. Now, watching her kids, on the other hand, which I have done many times before is the true test. No fun at all.

      Reply

  3. Sam
    Oct 24, 2013 @ 18:34:21

    I think your observations are right on, with a few very rare exceptions. Most women do indeed have sex hoping it will lead to something else, which to be honest once a guy really becomes aware of that it sort makes the whole conquest thing less appealing.

    I do however think that societal expectations have also put a damper on the sexual activity of women. Not only are we learning that women enjoy porn but they are now also evenly matched with men in the under 35 years of age group on the affair site Ashley Madison. So it seems that there are substantial numbers of women who if they can fornicate without being caught and shamed are not against something casual. Unfortunately the very act comes with a chemical cocktail designed to promote bonding, so what starts as fun ends with obsession.

    I have encountered a handful of women who pursued sex like a man and also had numbers that seemed like something out of porno. The difference was they were very low key and their activities were spread across a large number of different social groups that didn’t interact. They were very much concerned about their reputations and took great pains to make sure their trail was covered.

    Great to see you are expanding your skill sets, with the new changes in health care you might be the best option available for many.

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Oct 31, 2013 @ 10:44:45

      Haha, clever quip regarding Obamacare.

      I think there’s still an antiquated notion re: women and sex. It’s the whole Madonna/whore thing. Very sexual women with many partners are still looked upon as sluts, yet men are studs. No one bats an eye if a man has had 100 sexual partners. It may be because of the “mother” aspect–mothers will always be an ideological symbol of nurturing and goodness (well, except for the crack-addicted ones).

      I am old-fashioned in that I don’t believe sex should ever be downgraded to something that’s purely physical and meaningless. Or at least not EVERY time 😉

      Reply

  4. Damien
    Oct 28, 2013 @ 15:40:41

    First of all – “But guys watch porn and masturbate together, so how do you explain that?”
    – T York @ October 23, 2013 at 10:16 PM

    Uh…what? Men do this? The last time I did this was the last time you and your sorority sisters had a tickle fight in lingerie then sucked off the pizza man because you were low on cash.

    I don’t know. The ‘whys’ and ‘how comes’ of promiscuity are so broad that it’s hard to nail it down (pun – tee hee) to any one reason. The thing is that people are going to sleep around. They are going to do this whether they are men or women or happy with their body or unhappy with their psyche or love their mother or hate their father. It is going to happen.

    The thing is, that it doesn’t have to be the worst thing in the world. I know lots of people who fucked around and I am one of them, and only some of them are now really paying for their crimes. Usually, the person eventually grows out of this phase and settles into a more mature sexual relationship. I think the people still suffering the scars of that promiscuous time are those who were either unlucky or didn’t take precautions. So if I could go back and talk to myself and maybe some of my friends 20+ years ago, I’d suggest enjoying sex and understanding the consequences of it.

    If you ever find those pics of you in the lingerie fight, send them along, will you please?

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Oct 31, 2013 @ 10:51:59

      Let it be known my University had no sororities. So there were no lingerie fights. However, we did have End of the World parties where we all went Jello sliding naked while tripping on E. Ahhh, good times, from what I can remember.

      The only thing that makes sleeping around bad is when you are unaware of what the other person’s intentions are. Men have a hard time saying, “Look, I think you’re hot. I only want to fuck you tonight, but after that I’m outta here, or else my girlfriend will be pissed.” Why is that so hard to say?

      Reply

  5. Damien
    Oct 31, 2013 @ 23:39:54

    I agree that partners not being honest is a problem with sleeping around, but I don’t necessarily agree that it’s the only thing bad about it. In any case, get your ass to Prague and I’ll say that sentence to you in the airport. haha. Joke: I don’t cheat, and plus, I wouldn’t only want a one-nigher, I think!

    Reply

  6. menopausalmother
    Nov 01, 2013 @ 18:59:25

    WHOA!!! The whole time I was reading this, I was thinking. “Oh NO she di-in’t!” You are one brave woman and probably the best friend a girl could ever have. Funny posts as always and a brilliant ending!

    Reply

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