8 SIGNS YOUR MAN MIGHT BE ADDICTED TO PORN

Pornphoto by thebittenword

Here’s yet another thing I have to add to My Man Checklist. In addition to asking a man within the first 3 minutes of meeting him whether he’s employed, addicted to any substances, or has mother issues, I now have to make sure he’s not an obsessive porn watcher.

Apparently porn is a huge problem for couples nowadays thanks to how readily accessible it is. No longer do men have to go to the sex shop located in the ghetto, dressed in disguise for fear of fellow churchgoers recognizing them just to purchase a raunchy video. Now any raunchiness one can imagine is just a click away.

I’ve never given much thought to the use of porn by men. Except of course, when I received the phone bill years ago and my dumbass ex had run up $300 worth of porn charges on the internet. But it never happened again, and his porn-watching never affected our sex life adversely. Or if it did, then thank God it did, because the man wanted sex like 8 times a day.

When I googled “excessive porn use by men” I read stories of young men in their twenties who no longer could maintain an erection with a female due to the fact that they’ve been masturbating to porn 3-4 times a day since the age of fourteen. (!)

(As an aside, I have to ask the question: HOW DO THESE MEN MANAGE TO GET ANYTHING DONE? Do they masturbate once upon wakening, perform a rub down on their lunch break, one more in the car or on the subway on the way home from work, and then a last one before bed? Really, it boggles my mind.)

Anyhoo, as if we women didn’t have enough to worry about sexually, what with having to maintain our weight, our appearance, the sweatpants to lingerie ratio, not to mention frequency, variation, whether our SO is having an “emotional” affair with someone, or an actual affair with a co-worker, we now have to concern ourselves with celluloid competition.

I came across an article about ways to tell if your SO is addicted to porn, but I changed the wording to reflect my own thoughts about it, so here goes—8 things to make you go, Hmmm, I wonder if my man is addicted to porn.

1. He has morphed from a social butterfly into an antisocial troll.

It’s a rare man who actually enjoys spending time with his in-laws, but if you find him suddenly making the most ridiculous excuses for getting out of visits with family, or friends—“The grout needs to be watched while it dries.” “The drill needs to be watched while it charges.”—and you come home to find the computer hasn’t moved from his lap and all those tissue boxes you bought from Costco are mysteriously gone, he just might be addicted to porn.

2. He thinks sex with you is about as exciting as scrubbing the mildew-ridden grout in the shower.

Every couple gets into sexual ruts every now and then; but if you’re straddling him in a sheer nightie, and he’s annoyed because your head is blocking the TV, there might be a teensy problem.

Or, if when you do have sex, your man seems interested in some new “unorthodox” practices, like inviting the dog to join in, ummm, PROBLEM.

3. There’s not much difference physically between playing an actual football game and sex.

Nobody’s ever complained about a little bit of spanking or hair-pulling, but if out-of-the-blue, your man starts tossing you around like a Doberman plays with a chew toy, and using language that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush…grande problema.

4. There’s zero emotional connection.

Now, there’s a fine line with this one, because a lot of men don’t look at women meaningfully during sex like they might the newest Lamborghini model, but if when having sex, his eyes glaze over and he murmurs things like, “Plumber’s here to fix your sink,” or “I wanted to talk to you about improving that F-grade I gave you,”—red alert.

5. He critiques your appearance worse than a neurotic gay stylist.

If your man starts telling you you’d look hot with double Gs, Botox lips and 6-inch heels, or he makes insensitive, absurd comments like, “Can’t you at least try to wrap your leg around your head while I do you from behind?” or “All I asked was whether you’d ever consider letting me watch you have group sex with the 3 ethnically-diverse female neighbors upstairs and the underage pizza delivery boy. Since when did you become such a prude?” Dare I say it?

6. He tells you it’s all in your head.

My ex was a master at turning situations around so everything would seem like my fault. If you confront your man about his porn use and he turns it around on you by saying, “If you hadn’t been busy during labor for 36 hours, I wouldn’t have had to watch porn,” or “I only watched it because you were neglecting me when you were going through chemo,” then watch out.

If you unearth secrets like a wall-to-wall shed full of porn DVDs (“I’m holding them for a friend, selling them on eBay, I inherited them from my Great-uncle Ed) or you discover a credit card account with charges on it like, “Schindler’s Fist,” “When Harry Ate Sally,” and “White men Can’t Hump,” it’s time to worry.

7. You think your man is having an affair—with the internet.

If your man locks his home-office door every time he goes in it, suffers from eye strain, or carpal tunnel even though his job doesn’t require any repetitive motion, he may have some ‘splaining to do. Especially to his son if his wrist goes limp every time he tries to throw a baseball to him.

8. He used to be such an upstanding citizen. Now he’s just one big giant perv.

Porn is like drugs or alcohol. The more you do, the more you need to feel good. You know how society believes once you smoke pot, you’re destined to become a heroin addict? Well, the more porn you watch, the more desensitized you become, thus eventually needing more extreme forms of porn to be able to get off. Threesomes, anal, and bondage? So humdrum after awhile. Your man may now need to see a woman riding a horse (ahem) or Geriatric Girls Gone Wild just to get excited. Is it any wonder he considers you too vanilla? And this ends up making him feel bad—very, very bad. He may even ask you to punish him because he’s been so bad…

Solutions to this problem? Singlewritermom says, “Run for the hills as fast as you can! Don’t waste your time on this one.” But singlewritermom is single for a reason, so don’t listen to me. Instead, throw all your hard-earned money toward therapy for the both of you, and fast…even better, a sex therapist. Just make sure she doesn’t look like a naughty nurse…or conservative librarian…or young schoolgirl.

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Menopausalmother
    Nov 05, 2012 @ 16:06:59

    Everything you have said here is sad but unfortunately true. I’m glad that I haven’t had to deal with it on this kind of level. I think a little of it every now and then is fine–probably jump start things in the bedroom but one time when my hubby and I watched several porn movies in a row, instead of being turned on, we started laughing because it was so stupid and predictable! Great post as always!

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Nov 05, 2012 @ 16:36:19

      Ugh! And they are ALL stupid and predictable! With some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen in my life. See, there’s the difference between men and women–I’m looking at how bad an acting job they’re doing, while men are looking at, uh, other things.

      Reply

  2. Sam
    Nov 05, 2012 @ 22:58:21

    Not so fast there, porn had a Golden Age. Today they can’t make the same caliber of stuff like they made in the 70’s. Throw a leisure suit on and show some chest hair and what woman can resist? Plus you have forgotten about the amazing plot, it always comes as such a surprise to me how things turn out- who could have guessed?

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Nov 06, 2012 @ 08:19:29

      All right, you got me there. The porn of the 70’s was truly spectacular. But it was a novelty. The more you have something, the less “special” it is. Porn used to enhance a couple’s lovemaking is great; porn needing to be used in private because that’s the only way you can get an erection or orgasm? Not so great…at least not for the woman anyway.

      Reply

  3. Cie
    Nov 07, 2012 @ 10:15:30

    Thought you “splained” the situation very well.

    Reply

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