HO HO HAH

Not finished with your Christmas shopping yet? Need some ideas for that impossible-to-buy-for person in your life? Thankfully, you have me to help you decide on a gift that will undoubtedly wind up being truly memorable. Ready?

Scrapbooking is so last year. We’re in an age now when we’re realizing our resources are precious and nothing, I mean NOTHING, should go to waste. Including cat hair. Have a friend who’s constantly taking out that lint brush to remove cat fur from their black clothing? Waste not, want not. Give them this book so they can get with the times.

If you know someone with a young daughter, it’s imperative you give that girl this doll so she can learn early on how vile body hair truly is. How else will she ever attract a man? Or aspire to porn or stripper status? Give her a head start on knowing what’s important in life, because it’s certainly not education or being a humanitarian. I mean, please! Who is ever going to take you seriously with hairy legs? (This gift not appropriate for European babies.)

Has there ever been a time when you’re horny AND hungry at the same time? And you’re going back and forth in your mind like, “I could eat a sandwich first, and then have sex, but I’ll probably just want to nap instead, OR, I can have sex first, but I’ll need to hurry because my stomach is growling like an angry dog…” Yeah, tell me about it. It’s a real dilemma. But not anymore! This is perfect for the man or woman in your life as it cuts out a huge amount of wasted time thinking, when you could be, um, eating? (wink wink)

What if your partner has trouble getting in the mood in the first place? You need to combine sex with a positive association. Rub some of this baby on whatever, and he or she will come running. Probably along with the dog and cat, but still…(Not appropriate for vegetarians, although a hummus-scented lube may be in the production stage as we speak.)

Now, me personally, I don’t need this book. I could have written this book.  But everyone has that one smug friend who thinks their kid’s shit doesn’t stink. Give her this book so she can see all the ways she is, in fact, unknowingly traumatizing her child. Then watch her scramble to catch up to all the money you’ve already saved in the jar labeled, “My Kid’s Therapy Fund.”

This probably isn’t in the Kid Trauma book, but here’s a surefire way to traumatize a kid. Wear these socks in their presence. Around their friends. Extra points scored for wearing them out in public. Like to the mall or the movies. This is a perfect gift for the husband of the uptight wife you buy the Kid Trauma book for!

What if you’re completely broke this year? It’s cool, you don’t need to spend any money. People LOVE homemade gifts. Try this one and make sure to remind the recipient it’s the thought that counts.

Hope this helps!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

 

 

HALLOWEEN COSUMES FOR KIDS AND PETS THAT MAKE YOU GO OOH & HAH

It’s my most favorite time of the year–Halloween! I start planning for it November 1. And to celebrate, I thought I’d share some photos of animals and kids in costumes that are full of WIN. Are you ready?

This dog costume is one of my favorites this year because it literally transforms the cone of shame into something to be proud of–a martini. Because if you can drink more than, say, 3 martinis, that’s a feat to boast about. Of course, you may not remember what you do under the influence of 3 martinis, thus needing your own personal cone of shame the day after, but that’s for another post entitled “I wish I hadn’t gone home with ugly troll guy and other humiliating drunk stories”.

How freaking adorable are these M&M pugs? Don’t you just want to take a bite out of them? Just the tail, or maybe the head. Mmmm, chocolate…no, wait, they’re dogs…or are they? Mmmm, chocolate…

Any time you can actually put a costume onto a cat without getting your eyes scratched out , you’ve won. They look adorable in them, right? Of course there will be a price to pay for such cuteness. Never think for a moment cats won’t seek revenge by killing you in your sleep. You’ve been warned. Hey, and if you happen to only own a guinea pig, don’t despair. You can include him in the festivities, too. Just be careful if you own a guinea pig AND a cat. Or a guinea pig AND a snake (but that’s for another post entitled, “The time I left the lid off my boa constrictor’s cage by mistake and other mishaps by snake owners.”)

Okay, now this costume is a bit easier to manage with a cat because, well, it’s closer to their true nature so I’d like to think they’d secretly find it amusing, although they won’t show it. They may still kill you in your sleep, but that would only be because they’re secretly planning to take over the world. (You didn’t hear it from me.)

Need a costume for your baby in a pinch? Hungry for dinner? Solve both problems by getting takeout from Chipotle and wrapping the fruit of your loins in some gold wrapping paper. Make sure you take a picture of the cuteness immediately because my guess is that worm will squirm right outta that wrapping in the time it takes to say Boo.

For less than the cost of one of these drinks you can make this costume. In fact, I’ll bet having one of these ridiculously expensive drinks every day adds up to be more than the amount it costs to raise a child. Yes, I’m kicking myself for not buying Starbucks stock in the 90s, too.

What could be cuter than baby AND pet together in costumes? Besides the fact that baby looks like he can’t move his arms, which will royally piss him off in about 3.5 seconds, and dog looks like he’s planning to pee on your favorite shoes as soon as you turn your back on him, I’d say this is a raging success and will yield a buttload of trick or treating candy.

I’m sensing an overall theme in this post, which alerts me to the fact that I must be hungry and thirsty. How about you? Have you ever dressed your kid and/or pet up for Halloween?

WORST GIFTS EVER.

Christmas is my favorite time of year, along with Halloween. I love giving, more than receiving (which is why I’d make a better Mistress than Sub) and because of that trait, I’m going to give you all a Gift-Giving Guide for every person on your list. Stress no more, because I have all the answers for you…

Are you scratching your coconut, wondering what to get the cat lover in your life? How about this magnet set, so every time they open the fridge they get the ole stink eye, aka the furry eyeball? It’ll remind them constantly of their fur baby, and if they’re dieting, may even help reduce their appetite a bit.

No cat lovers? How about a lover of dogs? Bet they’ve never seen anything like this: Yes, it’s a humping USB dog! I’d even bet his little rump moves back and forth, too, for authenticity.

Perhaps you have a friend who finds cats and dogs distasteful, yet is stuck with the family pet since the son left for college. The major problem with those pesky creatures (besides needing to eat and relieve themselves) is they like to be pet. But now you never have to touch your pets again! And what I find particularly versatile about this product is it says it’s “Rechargeable for hotel use”–you know, for all those hotels you stay in while on vacation with your distasteful pet.

In keeping with the whole animal theme, someone must have a baby they need to buy for. Babies are easy, because it usually doesn’t take much to amuse them. Every baby has a gazillion teddy bears, but how many have a FARTING teddy bear? Am I right? Guaranteed laughs for everyone! And hopefully the surprising noise won’t scare the hell out of the baby and make them howl with fear.

Moving up a little in ages and being a mother myself, I’m here to tell you what will bring joy to every young boy’s face on Christmas morning:

Can you see the joy?

And little girls? There are so many gift choices out there for them. Who doesn’t love Barbie? I know I did. She’s such an inspiring role model. Dog Poop Barbie teaches girls Responsibility, while Pole Dancer Barbie teaches Entrepreneurship.

Do you need to rinse your eyes with bleach yet? No? Okay, good. Moving right along…

What about those hard-to-please teenagers? For the budding man concerned about smelling good:

One would have to be olfactory-challenged not to love the smell of bacon–especially in the morning.

And for the ripe girl on the brink of womanhood? This book should be given to girls as soon as they’re able to read imo, but I suppose the sooner you can get it into their inevitable poor-choice little hands, the better. Look, over one million in print! How surprising.

Men, are you racking your brains trying to come up with something to wow your SO? I have 2 gems for you to choose from, or why not splurge and buy both? We all know how crucial it is for a woman to be well-groomed, especially down there.

(Note: I wouldn’t advise using placenta to wash the toupee. Just sayin’.)

Aren’t men so hard to shop for? Seems like they have everything they need, don’t they? I can almost guarantee they won’t have either of these babies already. I mean really, if the woman is going to go through all the trouble of wearing a carpet down there and shampooing with placenta, the least he can do is keep his wiener clean.

And warm. Because nobody likes a frozen wiener.

If you happen to be the single male friend of an attached man you’d like to see single–you know, so you can do fun single male stuff together like go to bars and cruise chicks, get him these and you’ll be sure to see his relationship quickly implode. Hurray! Shots for everyone!

Is there a Climax button on this thing?

Everyone knows at least one pathetic, sad female without a special someone to call her own, right? They deserve gifts, too. The boyfriend pillow lets them know they’re not painfully alone; Unfortunately, the cookbook states otherwise, but it’s a practical gift–especially for the gal who has to watch her finances because of a meager one-income household.

Do you have a friend who always gets depressed around this season? Telling them to “Snap out of it!” may seem a little harsh so why not give them one of these gifts instead, to subtly convey your sensitivity over their “delicate condition”?

Coffee lover? Mmmm, I don’t know about you, but nothing makes me want to enjoy my coffee more than drinking it from a toilet bowl.

And what about the nauseating cutesy couple in Apt. 4G? You know the one–they appear to be conjoined twins and share a joint Facebook page. Awww, doesn’t it look like 2 elephants holding trunks?

What about your Jewish boss? Move over ugly Christmas sweaters! There’s a new kid in town.

Don’t forget Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma needs to look hip before she can go to the casino and gamble away her Social Security check.

And Grandpa? Have him use his aimless puttering around the house for good, instead of constantly-sticking-his-nose-in-your-business evil.

        Or, if he really does have EVERYTHING under the sun already, give him a big, fat…

There, that should have covered just about everyone on your list. A word of advice–Always have an extra present on hand, just in case. If someone surprises you by unexpectedly giving you a gift, surprise them right back with this one:

Some gifts can’t be bought. Remember, it’s the thought that counts.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!