I’m a Facebook slut. Or nympho—meaning I like to be on it, all the time. I do have limits though. I don’t post a new selfie every other day. I don’t poke or poke back (All I can think of is The Three Stooges poking each other in the eyes). And I try to refrain from outwardly shaming people whose opinions I consider asinine crap.

I do however, post way more cat memes than any human should. I divulge information about the boy that will probably come back to haunt him. And when I’m feeling particularly feisty I like to voice my strong opinions or play devil’s advocate on random sites just to evoke argument.

So I’m scrolling through my feed last week and up pops this meme from an anti-porn site. Now I’m not anti-porn. In fact, I like my porn—in moderation. I think it’s only a problem if your SO doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore because he’s (or she’s) wanking it 7x a day to these silicone, Botoxed beauties. Or males with 14-inch penises (24-inch when erect). Or petite she-males.

This anti-porn meme quoted Jonah Mix: “I’m not interested in a world where men really want to watch porn but resist because they’ve been shamed; I’m interested in a world where men are raised from birth with such an unshakeable understanding of women as living human beings that they are incapable of being aroused by their exploitation.” (Yeah, well, unless we’re going back to Egyptian times, good luck with that.)

So, because I was bored I posted a comment: “And I’m interested in a world where women are raised from birth with such an unshakeable sense of self-worth that they are incapable of considering the option of having to f*ck for money.”

And then I waited for the shit storm.

And it came. From both men and women. Not only did I get the “Women who do porn are sexually-empowered and they have the right to choose their own career,” but I also got “Some women actually enjoy doing porn, and it’s not because they’re drugged-up losers. They enjoy sex and like being in business for themselves.”

I fired back with examples citing former porn stars who have exposed the realities of this ugly business (like anal and vaginal tearing, and drug and alcohol dependency), as well as the running joke that women who take off their clothes for money almost always have Daddy issues, and that it became a joke only because it’s true more often than not. I stated that if these women were able to work the same amount of hours for the same amount of money sitting on their asses at a desk, instead of on someone’s face, they would choose the desk job. I also made it clear that not ALL women who get in to the porn industry have low self-esteem. Some are in fact, nymphomaniacs, and others thrive on the money and attention. But one has to ask why they thrive on the attention (self-esteem problems) and what drives them to be a nympho in the first place (trying to fulfill the emptiness inside themselves because, um, they have low fucking self-esteem!!!)

And back and forth it went. Now, when I engage in controversial discussions on Facebook it serves only as a form of verbal masturbation for me. In fact, I get more excited when I make a logical point than I do watching any porn. I realize I’ll never change anyone’s opinion, just like I’ll never convert someone who’s pro-life to pro-choice. I simply thrive on offering up intelligent, thought-out responses which maybe, just maybe allow someone to see the issue another way.

I could care less who chooses to do porn and why. I’m not an advocate for a porn-free world, and as long as viewers are paying big bucks, women (and men) will be fucking…and sucking…and spanking…and flogging. But I stand by my opinion that if women grew up with a greater sense of self, there would be fewer hookers, strippers, and porn actresses in the world.

My comment has received over 600 likes so far, so evidently there are men and women out there who share the same opinion.

What say you? I’d love to hear your opinion on the subject of porn. Is it the work of the devil filled with sinners OR empowering, sexy entertainment?



photo by macrophile

I’m no sex therapist, but I know what turns me on. I’m a voyeur; I like to watch people having sex. Which is why I like porn. I’m picky about my porn though. I’m not crazy about professional, glossy videos filled with immobile breasts and butt-ugly men with huge dongs. I like amateur porn videos—the ones that people post online themselves. But not the ones with like four men and six women—too much going on there. Or teenage sex—because that’s just icky to me.

I like real, established couples who are filming themselves because they want to spice up their boring sex lives and take a little walk on the wild side. The couples don’t have to be beautiful; in fact the less attractive they are, the more authentic it is for me. There doesn’t need to be numerous “toys” to play with—each orifice filled to capacity at one time. And as far as I’m concerned, fists do not belong in the bedroom.

Everything else is fine—even the MILFS (tee hee, because well, I am one). The more you watch of these amateur videos however, the more discerning you become. My standards have gone up over time, and I find I much prefer to watch quality, rather than quantity.

Because my sexual tendencies tend to be more like a man’s—meaning I’m visual, unromantic, and can appreciate a woman’s beauty—I’m going to tell women what I want to see, in the event you decide you want to film one of these little gems for posterity.

Tip #1: Don’t ever film while you’re drunk. You’ll slur your words and then I won’t be able understand what you’re saying. You’ll also look sloppy and remind me why I never found a serious boyfriend during all those Spring Breaks.

Tip #2: Unless you have a perfect heart-shaped ass, firm thighs, and washboard abs, a little lingerie goes a long way. I’m not saying you need to look like a Playboy centerfold. That’s not necessary. But some stockings with a garter belt, for example, ups the visual factor and helps to enhance this out-of-the-norm thing you’re doing in the first place. Lingerie just makes a woman look a helluva lot sexier. And it helps to mask cellulite. Enough said.

Tip #3: Nobody wants to feel like they’re making love to a dead fish. If I can hear the sheets moving and the camera rustling, then you’re not making enough noise. Don’t be shy, talk a little dirty, compliment your man, and let out a laugh here and there. You’re not taking the bar exam. Sex is fun, so let me see you having some fun.

Tip #4: But not too much fun. Nothing is more of a buzzkill for me than a woman screaming like a cat in heat. If each and every time your man thrusts into you, you sound like Betty Boop on helium (ee, ee, ee!) or like he has a porcupine penis (oh, oh, oh!), you’re ruining it for me. Also, nobody, and I mean, NOBODY screams the entire time they’re having sex—unless they’re with someone they don’t want to be having sex with. Sex doesn’t feel totally, amazingly, mind-blowingly awesome every single second from start to finish—even if that’s what you want your man to think. Be natural, and don’t exaggerate for the sake of the camera (that’s called overacting).

Tip #5: Don’t stop filming before you both come. That’s the equivalent of blue balls for me. And for God’s sake, I don’t need to see you both getting dressed on camera afterwards, either. That just makes me think of having high-school sex in a friend’s basement.

To recap:

  1. Be sober
  2. Wear some lingerie
  3. Make some noise
  4. Don’t make too much noise
  5. Happy endings make everyone happy


Now go to it, and send me the link when you post your homemade masterpiece.

May the K-Y be with you.



photo by ToastyKen

I was excited to watch the Super Bowl this year. I received a new flat-screen TV for Christmas that replaced my crappy old-fashioned, weighs-more-than-a-small-truck TV. One of my favorite teams was playing—the 49ers, and Beyoncé was singing at half-time. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Come kick-off time, I kicked the boys off the X-Box, sat down with my dieting snacks (string cheese, sugar snap peas, and a cup of coffee) and switched to TV mode, only to find out I didn’t get CBS. I get NBC, ABC, and FOX, but NO CBS! Since I don’t watch TV, I didn’t know this beforehand, and obviously I don’t subscribe to cable, so…yeah. I felt like crying.

Of course, my son and his friends did a loud cheer and immediately resumed their X-Box play. So there I sat, in front of my laptop, munching on low-fat string cheese, which I noted, has the exact consistency of a rubber bike tire. After a while, keeping track of the score online seemed even too pathetic and sad for me, so I decided to while away my time coming up with a list of 100 best movies of all time.

Now granted, this is a list of MY favorites, which is why Citizen Kane is NOT listed. It’s also comprised of only movies I’ve seen, which is why it’s severely lacking in any films from the last 10 years. Literally, the last ADULT film I’ve seen in a theater was Monster’s Ball, and I was pregnant at the time. Every other foray to the cinema since has been to see G-rated movies. Yes, I’m aware my growth has been stunted, as well as my social skills due to lack of dating, but I’m going to have one hellava catch-up list when I’m a senior citizen. I chose these films either because of the impression they made on me, the fact that I can see them over and over, or the powerful, moving, and/or funny performances given by the actor (s). So without further ado…

Here are my 100 BEST FILMS in alphabetical order

1. A Christmas Story

2. A Fish Called Wanda

3. A Room with a View

4. A Streetcar Named Desire

5. Adaptation

6. After Hours

7. As Good As It Gets

8. Back to the Future

9. Before Sunrise

10. Big

11. Body Heat

12. Braveheart

13. Casablanca

14. Casino

15. Castaway

16. Chocolat

17. Christmas Vacation

18. Cinema Paradiso

19. Close Encounters of the Third Kind

20. Crash

21. Dangerous Liaisons

22. Despicable Me

23. Die Hard

24. Dirty Dancing

25. Dog Day Afternoon

26. Elf

27. Fast Times at Ridgemont High

28. Flashdance

29. Forrest Gump

30. Four Weddings and a Funeral

31. Glengarry Glen Ross

32. Gone with the Wind

33. GoodFellas

34. Grease

35. Groundhog Day

36. Halloween

37. Harold and Maude

38. Hitch

39. Home Alone

40. Impromptu

41. It’s Complicated

42. Jaws

43. Jean de Florette

44. Kramer vs. Kramer

45. La Dolce Vita

46. La Femme Nikita

47. Like Water for Chocolate

48. Living Out Loud

49. Love Actually

50. Moonstruck

51. Murder by Death

52. My Big Fat Greek Wedding

53. Office Space

54. Pretty Woman

55. Pulp Fiction

56. Raging Bull

57. Raiders of the Lost Ark

58. Rebecca

59. Risky Business

60. Romeo and Juliet

61. Saving Private Ryan

62. Schindler’s List

63. Shrek

64. Sleepless in Seattle

65. Some Like it Hot

66. Something’s Gotta Give

67. Stand By Me

68. Terminator 2

69. Terms of Endearment

70. The African Queen

71. The Age of Innocence

72. The Blind Side

73. The Bridges of Madison County

74. The Exorcist

75. The Game

76. The Godfather

77. The Godfather 2

78. The Kids Are All Right

79. The Lover

80. The Misfits

81. The Player

82. The Remains of the Day

83. The Shawshank Redemption

84. The Shining

85. The Silence of the Lambs

86. The Terminator

87. The Usual Suspects

88. The Warriors

89. The Wizard of Oz

90. Titanic

91. Tootsie

92. Toy Story

93. Toy Story 2

94. Trading Places

95. Vertigo

96. Waiting

97. What Lies Beneath

98. When Harry Met Sally

99. Young Frankenstein

100. 9½ Weeks


WHEW! Does anyone have any to add of their own?