The Finger

Last week a friend of mine claimed that a lot of women were idiots when it came to men, not only for choosing losers, but sticking with them long after they should. There wasn’t really anything I could say to defend myself and my gender, because sadly, he’s right.

I think there are 2 main reasons for why women like bad boys (aka Losers, since I’ve never met a bad boy who wasn’t a loser). One reason is what I like to call the Florence Nightingale Syndrome. Florence Nightingale became a nurse during the 1800s against her family’s wishes. She was from an upper class family and nursing was something people from lower class families did. Now Florence didn’t actually fall in love with any of her patients; she simply cared deeply for them and had a great passion for nursing.

Women who fall in love with bad boys take on the role of caretaker, nurturer, doormat. They think they can change him, make him a “better” person, kiss away the demons that haunt him. They truly believe he’s misunderstood, rough around the edges (with a little TLC we can smooth those out), and been dealt a bad hand in life. They know with all their hearts that he’s simply a victim of circumstances: “If only he didn’t have that bitch ex-wife demanding child support for their 6 kids.” “If only his father hadn’t been an alcoholic womanizer, he might have gone to college, instead of joining a gang.” And the excuses go on and on.

We women love to make excuses for our men. We make excuses for their bad behavior. I did it all the time for my ex. “He didn’t have a proper role model growing up to show him the right way to do things,” I’d tell people. So I took on the task of showing him how to take responsibility for his life. I was 29, and honestly believed men could change with just a little “guidance.” The problem was once I took on the role of caretaker, it became my role for the life of the relationship. The dynamics never changed. So when I popped out my son and suddenly had this little being completely dependent on me 24/7, guess what happened? I didn’t want to take care of a man-boy anymore; I needed him to step up and be 100% man. But because I had always treated him like a little boy, he didn’t know how to be one.

Lesson learned: It’s okay to take care of your man in the kitchen and the bedroom. Other than that, he’s on his own. He has demons? His demonic ass needs to go to therapy. He doesn’t know how to manage money? There’s this beautiful thing called Google—Have him Google “Money Management Skills.” Bitch ex-wife? Try Mediation through the Courts. Felony on his record? You’re on your own for dating him in the first place.

I have since learned to never take on more than I should—life is just too damn hard. I didn’t win any medals for being a super great person. And my ex won’t be at my bedside when I die.

The second reason women fall for bad boys is because they want some excitement in their mundane, bogged-down-by-routine lives. Bad boys are unpredictable. You never know when, or if they’ll show up. And we all know how hot it is to be treated like crap, especially if we’re used to those boring, nice guys, right? And the best part of bad boys? The sex. There’s nothing like passionate, angry make-up sex up against a concrete wall in the middle of a dark alley.

But here’s the thing: The bad boy is so good at sex because 1) He has lots of practice, all the time, with lots of different women, and 2) That’s what he puts his energy toward, instead of a career, education, or cooking classes.

The moral of my diatribe? Bad boys are fun in your 20s (as long as there are condoms involved); They should be used infrequently in your 30s, until you finally realize through lots of therapy that whatever behavior you allow will continue, so you kick him to the curb; And if you’re still dallying with bad boys in your 40s or 50s, you need to think of them like disposable douches—to be used once and then promptly thrown away.

33 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. theskychic
    Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:02:02

    I agree… women should change the stereotype perception of how we can change them for the better.


  2. ThePeopleIHaveSleptWith
    Sep 11, 2013 @ 08:30:30

    Very true, I agree!


  3. Claudia
    Sep 11, 2013 @ 08:33:44

    Reblogged this on yourmoneyoryourlove and commented:
    Very good point about the reason why bad boys are so good at sex. Yes, that is all they seem to work on.


    • Tiffany N. York
      Sep 11, 2013 @ 17:40:21

      Thanks for the reblog. Yes, I had never really analyzed why they were so good at it (and granted, not every bad boy is good). Unfortunately, the ones who are, well, they’ve been the death of me.


  4. Cie
    Sep 11, 2013 @ 10:31:40

    So well said, I have nothing to add except wish I didn’t have hindsight on this one.


  5. Crazy. Kinda.
    Sep 11, 2013 @ 12:38:07

    Disposable douches! Ha ha ha! Great post!


  6. Kath
    Sep 11, 2013 @ 16:03:27

    So true, Doll. I have to side with the rest of the reviews here – not only well said, but that line about the disposable douches was kick-ass!


  7. igneousidol
    Sep 11, 2013 @ 18:28:54

    They know we have to use them, there are not enough nice guys.


  8. RisingSong
    Sep 11, 2013 @ 21:30:23

    I refuse to be that doting caretaker (especially after the kids were born), for all the reasons that you stated here, so my husband pretty much thinks that I neglect him…go fucking figure.

    Here’s one more for the “disposable douche” line. That was definitely my favorite 🙂


  9. 02fan
    Sep 12, 2013 @ 19:35:20

    Sure hope I’ve never been looked at as a “disposable douche”! Too funny 🙂


  10. Loser Guru
    Sep 12, 2013 @ 21:13:07

    Great post! Much truth here, but allow me to suggest that there is a smart way to date a loser 🙂


  11. menopausalmother
    Sep 13, 2013 @ 11:41:36

    Amen to this. I already had my bad boy–well, 2 in fact—during my college years. It was fun at first but not so much in the end.


    • Tiffany N. York
      Sep 13, 2013 @ 21:55:37

      Apparently, you got it out of your system being the smart woman that you are. And you didn’t marry one! Which explains why you’re still married after all these years.


  12. Damien
    Sep 14, 2013 @ 06:46:15

    As a nice guy I always found this shit highly irritating in female friends. They’d groan and cry about this ‘jerk’ and how badly he treated her and then the second he called and ordered her to come service him, they were out the door. It was pathetic.

    Guys do a version of this as well, to be sure. Why go for this witty, awesome cute girl you love spending time with when you can go for the bitchy hot girl who gives you seething looks, treats you like garbage, and makes your groin bark at the moon?

    I agree that you should just grow out of wanting this type of person. I did, and it sounds as though you did too. Plus, I think as you get older you start to realize that part of their appeal was that they acted how they wanted and didn’t really care what others thought of them. And consequently you begin to find yourself attracted to positive people who embody these characteristics.

    Very interesting post, nicely written and to the point.


    – a nice guy who’s both a great cook and fantastic in bed. 🙂


    • Tiffany N. York
      Sep 15, 2013 @ 18:34:34

      Yeah, well, as a woman I find this shit highly irritating in females as well. It ultimately comes down to self-esteem, I think. If you feel “worth” something, then why would you waste your time with someone who doesn’t recognize that worth? For that matter, you wouldn’t date someone like that in the first place, or even give them the time of day. Sometimes it’s hard to tell a loser at first, because they’re so good at lying, or omitting information. I found out my ex had a son only when this 5 year old ran up to him and called him, “Daddy.”

      What I’d like to know from a guy’s standpoint (yours) is why you would go for the bitchy hot girl, instead of the witty, awesome cute girl. Obviously, the sex–I get that–but what would compel you to stay with her? (I always hear from men that the hottest, most beautiful women are the worst in bed because they feel like they don’t have to try.)

      And for the record, I have a friend who swears up and down that men methodically choose their wives, and it will ALWAYS be the woman they feel they can take home to their mother. What say you?


      • Damien
        Sep 16, 2013 @ 11:13:55

        So, your ex sounds like one hell of a piece of…work.

        A girl to take home to my mom, I don’t know about that. But I do know that I could give a shit if someone’s hot or cute or whatever. My main priority is if I like spending time with them. So despite level of attractiveness I’d rather be with someone I like talking to than someone I like looking at. And I mean that too, I can’t imagine being with someone who bored me or who I didn’t like, just because I wanted to see them naked. Where do you fall on this issue?

        And sex is so dependent on the person that I really don’t think looks matter in that area. We just want them to be good in bed, don’t you think?

        T, why don’t you just admit that we’d be like the Anias Nin and Henry Miller of either Bohemia or Southern California if we knew each other in real life, huh?

      • Tiffany N. York
        Sep 17, 2013 @ 17:04:32

        Well, let’s face it–of course you have to be attracted to the person, but I don’t think looks influence sexual chemistry all that much, either. I wasn’t necessarily attracted physically to a few of my past boyfriends when I first met them, but we ended up having great sexual chemistry, so go figure. I’m no saint though. If I see my physical ideal, I absolutely need to see them naked, but if there’s nothing else going on, ie: no mental stimulation, then the novelty wear off and I become bored.

        Here’s the thing I’ve discovered about men: the better looking they are, the more shallow they are. And players, man, oh man are they players. It’s like a kid working at Baskin Robbins for the first week. They gorge themselves on every single flavor because they can. Women aren’t douches like this. The prettiest women don’t usually screw every guy they meet just because they can.

        I really do need to learn to write erotica. It’s such HUGE business, it’s not even funny. BTW, have you ever seen the movie, Henry and June? One of my favs…

  13. Trackback: Confessions of a Bad Boy | Hipster Racist
  14. Sam
    Sep 30, 2013 @ 21:52:39

    I’ve found the solution for you. Not likely to be many bad boys here, only good wholesome men who share your interests. You can thank me later. Enjoy


    • Tiffany N. York
      Oct 01, 2013 @ 21:46:52

      I’m speechless. And that doesn’t happen very often. Am I supposed to believe I have a certain personality because I’m a cat lover? I love snakes, too. What kind of men would be on that site, I wonder? The woman on there said cat lovers were finicky. I resent that. It implies I’m also aloof, indifferent, and only concerned with food and sleep. Hmmm, ok, well, maybe they’re not so far off, but still…


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