WHAT YOU TALKIN BOUT GWYNETH?

It took me a while to gather my thoughts for this post. I had to first gather the pieces of my exploded head and put them all back together again. What made my head explode? Not men this time, no. It was the asinine comments made by a celebrity. Usually I ignore what a celebrity has to say. About anything. Unless it’s George Takai or Morgan Freeman. Or my future husband, Al Pacino. As for every other celebrity and/or model, they need to understand that the general public doesn’t respect anything that comes out of their mouths simply because they make too much damn money. Anyone who spends more on a child’s birthday party than what an average home costs in California is not rooted in reality.

Let’s take Gwyneth Paltrow for example—the celeb who made my head explode. I already dislike her, because 1. She’s blonde and I’m not, and 2. She’s super skinny and I’m not, and 3. She’s very rich and I’m not. So the bitch already has 3 strikes against her. As if those weren’t reasons enough, I started to really despise her when I discovered this funny little piece written by Jamila Rizvi (who I don’t know, but I automatically like because she looks more like me). Gwyneth is a health and fitness fanatic who I’m guessing doesn’t consume more than 50,000 calories in a year. During the holidays she admitted she splurges a little, which probably means she consumed 5 salted cashews and a handful of popcorn with butter. That’s certainly enough sodium to make anyone gain half an ounce in water weight. So what’s Gwyneth’s solution to getting back on track after all that gluttonous splurging? A cleanse, of course—a cleanse that’s “warming, filling and doesn’t feel like a sacrifice.”

Great! Sign me up, because I’m positive I must have 17 pounds of chocolate and Christmas cookies impacted in my colon.

Gwyneth explains, “Our winter detox has looser guidelines and restrictions than ones we’ve done in the past but here is what we’re avoiding: dairy, gluten, shellfish, anything processed (including all soy products), nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers and eggplant), condiments, sugar, alcohol, caffeine and soda.”

Wait, what?

Breakfast is a cup of freaking herbal tea. Fine, I might be able to hang with that, but come lunch time I’ll be ready to eat my own arm, so what’s to eat? 6 cups of hot water with chickpeas. I stopped reading after that, because while she suggested things to do to make you less hungry (Wearing socks and drinking MORE herbal tea), my guess is she must eat her money to stay full, since no human can remain conscious on a mere 300 calories a day. But stars and models are a special kind of breed so I’ll forgive the insane dieting rituals they must put themselves through to remain emaciated.

Then came the announcement last week of Gwyneth and Chris Martin’s separation—no, wait, “conscious uncoupling.” Gwyneth introduced the term many of us hadn’t ever heard before. It’s basically a new-age, no-drama approach to the splitsville process coined by the psychotherapist, Katherine Woodward Thomas. “The process of conscious uncoupling involves breathing exercises and a lot of self-reflection to ‘break up victimization,’” Ms. Thomas said. Right. So instead of wallowing in self-pity for years like I did, lamenting the fact that I was a complete dumbass for choosing my dysfunctional partner in the first place, or going the no-drama route as opposed to say, having to call 911 because he threatened to kill me, I imagine Gwyneth and Chris sat down to dinner one night and in between Gwyneth asking Chris to pass the brussel sprouts without any seasoning, butter, or oil, she asked him for a divorce as well. Now that’s what I call congeniality.

Now again, I can forgive Gwyneth for being an airy fairy head, because let’s face it, you have to be somewhat kooky to survive Hollywood; what I can’t forgive is her making ignorant and downright stupid remarks over something she knows nothing about. On Page Six of the NY Post, she talks about wanting to spend more time with her kids—a noble gesture, only she should have stopped there, because she goes on to say “things are more difficult for her than other moms, because of the demanding nature and unpredictable schedule of her acting career.”

Uh-huh. Do tell, Gwyneth.

“I think to have a regular job and be a mom is not as, of course there are challenges, but it’s not like being on set,” Paltrow said.

You’re damn right it’s not like being on set. You want to know what it’s like being on set? I’ll tell you, because I have, in fact, been on set and it sure as hell doesn’t give you varicose veins from sitting all day for a stinking office job. When you’re a lead actress, you roll out of bed and in to the hair and makeup chair. Then you go back to your private trailer and wait until they’re ready for you. You see, all the tedious work is done by a stand-in (which I’ve been) so the lead doesn’t have to stand on her feet for hours under hot lights while the crew sets up the shot. As soon as things are ready, the actress comes out, does her scene, and returns to her trailer where she is free to do whatever she wants—have sex, sleep, exercise, eat then vomit, get a massage, yap on the phone, online shop, fart around on Facebook…she can even have her kids with her if she so chooses because there are on-set tutors!

Gwyneth bitches about not being able to do a routine with her kids because, “When you’re shooting a movie, they’re like, ‘We need you to go to Wisconsin for two weeks,’ and then you work 14 hours a day, and that part of it is very difficult.”

Yes, it is indeed very difficult to have to work 14-hour days for only two weeks out of the year when you could be working 9 to 5 every day, and then rushing home to make a box of Mac n Cheese before soccer practice, racing home after that to get homework done, a shower, bedtime, after which you collapse from exhaustion into bed yourself. That’s my idea of quality time with the kids X 100. (Check out this delicious open letter to Gwyneth from a working mom.)

What do you mean that’s NOT the routine you were referring to, Gwyneth? Your nanny does all that crap for you? You just wanted to be home to kiss the kids good night? Why didn’t you say so? It’s extremely stressful to have the nanny thrown off her schedule. Everyone knows that. So next time, Gwyneth, let’s have your nanny make these comments instead of you, because as I said before, no one wants to hear complaining from someone who has probably never had a “regular” job and makes more money in a second than they’ll ever see in a lifetime. Mmmkay?

I LOVE YOU-I HATE YOU

Yes, I’m still obsessed with the break-up of Seal and Heidi. Yes, I keep reading the articles about the “vicious fights and jealousy.” Turns out Seal has “anger issues,” according to US Weekly.

Disclaimer Alert: I am about to make a sweeping generalization regarding men. Okay, here goes: Most men have anger issues.

I think it has to do with testosterone, or machismo, or evolving from gorillas. I’d love to meet a man who doesn’t explode every now and then, but I don’t think he exists. I know you’re thinking, singlewritermom associates with the wrong kind of men, due to some f**ked-up reenactment of childhood issues. My dad was (is) an irrational powder keg, always destined to explode at any moment. So it’s only logical that I would attract that kind of man into my life, right?

Maybe. But here’s the thing. If you’re repressed, or an artist, then you have anger issues. Most men are repressed to a certain extent. They’re conditioned practically from birth to NOT display grand expressions of emotion. (Unless they’re watching football.) They are taught to be “in control” at all times, lest they be branded a “pussy.” The only acceptable emotion left for a man to express is ANGER.

Then you have the men who come from jacked-up childhoods. They carry a ton of repressed anger inside them; I don’t care how much therapy they’ve claimed to have had. Every single man I have known that has come from a crappy home life has been an exploder.

Artists are a different breed. They have so much emotion and passion bubbling up inside of them; they don’t know what the hell to do with themselves. They feel everything SO intensely, and they have to in order to produce any kind of creative work of art. This is why so many of them appear to be insane. And they don’t want to take meds to control their pendulum moods, because then their creative genius may become stymied.

So when an artist is happy, he’s REALLY happy.  And when he gets angry, he gets REALLY angry. Unfortunately, Seal has the double whammy of having had a less-than-ideal upbringing, coupled with being an artist. And when artists get together with other artists (and I use that term loosely with Heidi Klum), what results is a kind of “passion overload” in the relationship. Passionate love=Passionate fights. The two go hand-in-hand.

Celebrities live such extreme lives, filled with so many ups and downs, that any kind of stability is such a foreign concept to them. I imagine it feels downright uncomfortable. When I did theater in New York, I was on such a high during a run of a play that when it was over and done, the crash was excruciating. I imagine it’s similar when you’ve finished filming a movie, or back from a tour. Hence the need to go out and try to recreate that high all over again (usually resulting in affairs, DUIs, and dalliances with hookers).

I had a “passion overload” relationship with my ex. I’m an artist, and he was repressed from an awful childhood. As is often the case, when things were good between us they were great, but when they were bad…they were pretty bad. We’d have vicious fights, filled with lots of yelling, name-calling, and disrespectful behavior. Ultimately, it escalated to a point where we would have probably killed each other. Sure, the sex was passionate during our relationship, but how can I enjoy it if I’m dead?

Up and down love affairs were fun in my twenties; all that fighting, then making up. Then one day in my thirties, I went to Magic Mountain and came off all the roller coasters feeling dizzy and nauseous. I was too damn old for this kid shit, I realized.

Now that I’m in my forties, that’s exactly how I feel about crazy, tumultuous love affairs.

SAY IT ISN’T SO

Most of the time when I hear about Hollywood couples splitting, I roll my eyes and mutter, “Another one bites the dust.” Yet every once in a while, a divorce comes along that completely blindsides me, leaving me feeling sad and bewildered.

Hello, America’s sweethearts: Brad and Jen – I’m talking to you.

Courtney Cox and David Arquette – Yes, I know he’s a man-boy with addiction problems, but I was still rooting for you guys.

Ashton and Demi – If for nothing else but the proof that women do get better as they get older.

And today…Heidi Klum and Seal.

“No, no, no!” I screamed at my computer screen. “This can’t be! They seemed so HAPPY and IN LOVE! Come on!”

Yes, I know they’re celebrities. I have had pimples that have lasted longer than celebrity marriages. But if I had to put my money on any celebrity couple that I thought might last, it was Heidi and Seal.

They had PDA down to a science; their attraction to each other was undeniable. They had four kids!

Speaking about his marriage, Seal said, “People often talk about the most important thing in a relationship. They say it is really important that you are turned on by your partner and you love each other, which is all really true. I often think that the most important thing, or certainly up there, with love is respect.”

You have attraction, love, respect, children together. What the hell else is there? Yeesh, that’s four more things than most marriages have. It’s not like there’s any fighting over whose turn it is to cook dinner, or wash the dishes, or change a diaper. They have housekeepers, maids, nannys to do those types of pedestrian chores.

Career challenges? Seal and Heidi have the financial luxury of never having to be apart for long periods of time. Perhaps they should talk to some couples where one spouse is unemployed and unable to find gainful employment to see how that stress takes a toll on the marriage.

In an article I read, it stated “they grew apart.” Seems to me they’re the same as when they first met. He didn’t go off to Hawaii to become a surf instructor. He’s still a singer. Last I checked, she’s wasn’t taking classes to become an astrophysicist. She’s still a Project Runway host, right? So, what changed?

No one will ever know the answer to that, except the two people involved. And maybe a paparazzi here or there.

What I would like to know is: With the horrendous odds stacked against a marriage working out in the first place, why do so many celebrities decide to take the plunge and get married? They know the failure rate. Do they honestly think they’ll be the one to defy the odds?

And two: Why can’t they just stay together and be miserable like the rest of us for the sake of the children? Are they really that self-centered?

Never mind, I already know the answer to that one.