I LOVE YOU-I HATE YOU

Yes, I’m still obsessed with the break-up of Seal and Heidi. Yes, I keep reading the articles about the “vicious fights and jealousy.” Turns out Seal has “anger issues,” according to US Weekly.

Disclaimer Alert: I am about to make a sweeping generalization regarding men. Okay, here goes: Most men have anger issues.

I think it has to do with testosterone, or machismo, or evolving from gorillas. I’d love to meet a man who doesn’t explode every now and then, but I don’t think he exists. I know you’re thinking, singlewritermom associates with the wrong kind of men, due to some f**ked-up reenactment of childhood issues. My dad was (is) an irrational powder keg, always destined to explode at any moment. So it’s only logical that I would attract that kind of man into my life, right?

Maybe. But here’s the thing. If you’re repressed, or an artist, then you have anger issues. Most men are repressed to a certain extent. They’re conditioned practically from birth to NOT display grand expressions of emotion. (Unless they’re watching football.) They are taught to be “in control” at all times, lest they be branded a “pussy.” The only acceptable emotion left for a man to express is ANGER.

Then you have the men who come from jacked-up childhoods. They carry a ton of repressed anger inside them; I don’t care how much therapy they’ve claimed to have had. Every single man I have known that has come from a crappy home life has been an exploder.

Artists are a different breed. They have so much emotion and passion bubbling up inside of them; they don’t know what the hell to do with themselves. They feel everything SO intensely, and they have to in order to produce any kind of creative work of art. This is why so many of them appear to be insane. And they don’t want to take meds to control their pendulum moods, because then their creative genius may become stymied.

So when an artist is happy, he’s REALLY happy.  And when he gets angry, he gets REALLY angry. Unfortunately, Seal has the double whammy of having had a less-than-ideal upbringing, coupled with being an artist. And when artists get together with other artists (and I use that term loosely with Heidi Klum), what results is a kind of “passion overload” in the relationship. Passionate love=Passionate fights. The two go hand-in-hand.

Celebrities live such extreme lives, filled with so many ups and downs, that any kind of stability is such a foreign concept to them. I imagine it feels downright uncomfortable. When I did theater in New York, I was on such a high during a run of a play that when it was over and done, the crash was excruciating. I imagine it’s similar when you’ve finished filming a movie, or back from a tour. Hence the need to go out and try to recreate that high all over again (usually resulting in affairs, DUIs, and dalliances with hookers).

I had a “passion overload” relationship with my ex. I’m an artist, and he was repressed from an awful childhood. As is often the case, when things were good between us they were great, but when they were bad…they were pretty bad. We’d have vicious fights, filled with lots of yelling, name-calling, and disrespectful behavior. Ultimately, it escalated to a point where we would have probably killed each other. Sure, the sex was passionate during our relationship, but how can I enjoy it if I’m dead?

Up and down love affairs were fun in my twenties; all that fighting, then making up. Then one day in my thirties, I went to Magic Mountain and came off all the roller coasters feeling dizzy and nauseous. I was too damn old for this kid shit, I realized.

Now that I’m in my forties, that’s exactly how I feel about crazy, tumultuous love affairs.

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SAY IT ISN’T SO

Most of the time when I hear about Hollywood couples splitting, I roll my eyes and mutter, “Another one bites the dust.” Yet every once in a while, a divorce comes along that completely blindsides me, leaving me feeling sad and bewildered.

Hello, America’s sweethearts: Brad and Jen – I’m talking to you.

Courtney Cox and David Arquette – Yes, I know he’s a man-boy with addiction problems, but I was still rooting for you guys.

Ashton and Demi – If for nothing else but the proof that women do get better as they get older.

And today…Heidi Klum and Seal.

“No, no, no!” I screamed at my computer screen. “This can’t be! They seemed so HAPPY and IN LOVE! Come on!”

Yes, I know they’re celebrities. I have had pimples that have lasted longer than celebrity marriages. But if I had to put my money on any celebrity couple that I thought might last, it was Heidi and Seal.

They had PDA down to a science; their attraction to each other was undeniable. They had four kids!

Speaking about his marriage, Seal said, “People often talk about the most important thing in a relationship. They say it is really important that you are turned on by your partner and you love each other, which is all really true. I often think that the most important thing, or certainly up there, with love is respect.”

You have attraction, love, respect, children together. What the hell else is there? Yeesh, that’s four more things than most marriages have. It’s not like there’s any fighting over whose turn it is to cook dinner, or wash the dishes, or change a diaper. They have housekeepers, maids, nannys to do those types of pedestrian chores.

Career challenges? Seal and Heidi have the financial luxury of never having to be apart for long periods of time. Perhaps they should talk to some couples where one spouse is unemployed and unable to find gainful employment to see how that stress takes a toll on the marriage.

In an article I read, it stated “they grew apart.” Seems to me they’re the same as when they first met. He didn’t go off to Hawaii to become a surf instructor. He’s still a singer. Last I checked, she’s wasn’t taking classes to become an astrophysicist. She’s still a Project Runway host, right? So, what changed?

No one will ever know the answer to that, except the two people involved. And maybe a paparazzi here or there.

What I would like to know is: With the horrendous odds stacked against a marriage working out in the first place, why do so many celebrities decide to take the plunge and get married? They know the failure rate. Do they honestly think they’ll be the one to defy the odds?

And two: Why can’t they just stay together and be miserable like the rest of us for the sake of the children? Are they really that self-centered?

Never mind, I already know the answer to that one.