CRAZY CAT LADY

So my friend sent me this care package and inside was a “Crazy Cat Lady” Action Figure. It’s an appropriate gift for me, since every time we catch up together on the phone I usually tell her I have another cat: starving strays that find their way to my doorstep, a friend who dump off her cats “temporarily” until she finds a place to live that allows cats, irresponsible teenagers whose parents won’t allow a kitten in their home, but they swear they’ll come “pick it up the very next day.”

Folks around my complex marvel over the fact that a few of my cats trot along with me when I walk the diva Chihuahua. You would think they were seeing an image of the Virgin Mary in a mud puddle, that’s how amazed they are at the sight of it.

I admit I’ve had anywhere between five and seven cats, depending on the day. I admit I’d want a few more too, if it weren’t for the fact that the cats I already have tend to mark their territory whenever a new addition shows up, and I’m barely just getting the diva Chihuahua piss out of my carpet.

I take offense to the widespread notion that women who own cats are spinsters. Yeah, I’m romantically-challenged, but what does owning cats have to do with that? If a guy owns four dogs, why isn’t he known as Crazy Dog Man?

If everyone says women are like cats: sneaky, moody, mysterious, independent, and impossible to please, then I’d have to say men are more like dogs: energetic, emotionally needy, protective, gassy, and always wanting to hump.

I’ve found men who own cats to be more creative, sensitive, and passionate than the average Joe. Hemingway was a cat lover, as was John Lennon, who even went so far as to name one of his cats Jesus.

I’d rather be known as Crazy Cat Lady because I love cats, than say, Mean Cat Lady, because I refuse to feed them. Or Psychopath Cat Lady because I take joy in pulling their whiskers off. So I’ll continue to be the butt of people’s jokes while I play The Crazy Cat Lady Game—whoever can collect the most cats wins!

And munch on my Crazy Cat Lady Candy:

Do I see myself as always having cats in my life? Absolutely pawsitively! (Sorry, I had to.)

TO SEX OR NOT TO SEX

I love sex. I especially like talking about it in all its dysfunctional glory. In fact, if I had it all to do over again, I’d be a sex therapist. As Americans, we are a culture obsessed with sex, so I was astounded to discover how many couples weren’t having any.

How can that be? I mused. Isn’t that one of the major reasons why couples get married in the first place – to have regular sex? Well, that and the tax break. Don’t we breathe a sigh of relief that we no longer have to put ourselves out there, trolling for sexual gratification? That the calluses on our hands may finally heal, and the house won’t have to be constantly stocked with AA batteries?

It was only when a male friend of mine confided in me that his wife was always too tired for sex, and when a married father of three made a pass at me, claiming his wife hadn’t slept with him in six years that I went searching for some answers.

I googled “I don’t want to have sex with my husband.”

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! The pages and pages of forums and articles devoted to this subject was enough to make my head spin. Clearly, this was an epidemic of ginormous proportions. No wonder men are angry all the time. And why is Viagra so popular if it’s not needed in the first place?

I literally spent weeks reading through all the comments that followed a New York Times article regarding sexless marriages; comments made by both men and women. To me, not having sex with one’s partner (medical issues aside) for a month indicates a major problem, but folks wrote in saying it had been a year since they’d had sex. Or 6 years! Or they just didn’t do it at all anymore!

Most comments were by men complaining about the infrequency of sex with their wives, however there were also some women lamenting their husband’s low drive. In any case, the issue seemed to be due to a mismatch of libido.

I must admit I sympathized with the men at first. Posts upon posts of deprived, clueless men claiming their sexual advances were continuously being thwarted; they worked; they came home, cooked and cleaned, gave their wives a foot massage – and still, no nookie.

To this I say: First up, grow a set! No woman wants everything done for her, no matter how exhausted she is. And if she does, she’d rather have it done by a housekeeper, not her husband. It goes against “roles.” Besides, wife knows when husband is doing something to get something in return, and that turns wife off even more.

“My wife couldn’t get enough sex while we were dating. We had it 5x a week, 3x a day. Now? Nada.” All I can say is: She got you good! We all have dating sex 5x a week, 3x a day. Why? To get you to marry us. Would you still marry us if we only did you once a month? ‘Nuff said.

“Our sex life was fine, until the first baby. Then it all went downhill.” I say to men, “Men, walk around for a day with clothespins on your nipples and then see if you want me to suck on them.”

But then I began to see where the women were coming from.

“He comes home, plops himself on the couch, gets drunk, never brushes his teeth, and he expects me to be hot for him?” Ummm, yeah. Forget separate beds. Those two should have separate houses.

“After a huge fight, where he has just called me all the names in the book, he wants to have sex? I don’t think so.” Make-up sex is one thing; mad, resentful sex is entirely another. Men need to stop pissing off their women if they want to get laid. Women have memories longer than the line outside of Walmart on Black Friday. A careless insult will be stored in the Time Capsule of her soul. FOREVER.

“My husband’s not a very good lover. In fact, he sucks.” Or doesn’t, as the case may be. There is no excuse nowadays for lack of knowledge in the sexual department. Buy a book, watch a video (NOT porn), call Dr. Ruth – anything. When a woman has sex for years with her man and NEVER has an orgasm, Facebook becomes her Kama Sutra.

So where does that leave a sexless married couple? Especially if one resists counseling, doctor check-ups or plain old-fashioned talking about the problem?

Most men were against having affairs. They wanted intimacy from their wives, not physical release from a mistress. Some were biding their time until the kids were grown. Others had simply accepted their sexless state of being, rationalizing that sex wasn’t THAT important in a marriage.

The danger of accepting a sexless marriage is that the two of you are no longer lovers; you’re simply “friends” or “roommates.” What do you do though, if your marriage is satisfying in every other way? Do you leave and possibly destroy your kids’ lives, because you have carnal desires that are not being satisfied by your spouse?

I believe sex is the barometer of how healthy a marriage is. Problems in the bedroom = problems in the marriage. Sex is necessary for a close, intimate marriage relationship. Of course there’s more to marriage than sex, just like there’s more to a mocha than whipped cream. But if you’re lactose-intolerant, and never get to eat whipped cream? Well, mochas are still good; they’re just a little…boring.