TIS THE SEASON FOR UGLY SWEATERS!

My second favorite holiday is Christmas. It used to be numero uno back before I had children, but because children nowadays want electronics that cost a gazillion dollars, I end up paying $6000 in credit card interest due to Christmas credit card debt that never gets paid off.

What I do love about this season is the availability and wide selection of hideously ugly holiday sweaters. They’ve gotten so popular, there are now parties specifically thrown to show off your “ugly.” As with Halloween costumes, this is the time to let your imagination go crazy. Behold some particularly fugly gems…

Everything is so sophisticated nowadays, even sweaters are going 3-D. And if you think your sweater still needs a touch more ugly, you can order LED lights and shove them into various spots on your sweater like on this Grumpy Cat monstrosity below. NO indeed.

 

Never forget your pet. Pets reflect their owners; therefore they must look as ugly as you. This poor mutt appears miserable. Hey, dogs are smart, and they know how ridiculous they look. Be prepared for them to get back at you by leaving something “ugly” on your carpet after chewing the ugly off their sweater.

 

Here’s one for the forever “frat” boy, now middle-aged, with a comb-over and a swelling gut. This sweater says, “I’m the one who’ll order a round of Jager bombs for everyone in Vegas, inappropriately proposition the waitress, proceed to gamble all my money away, and wind up in a pool of my own vomit.” Good times!

Doesn’t matter what religion you are, there are ugly sweaters for everyone. Here’s one brave woman who doesn’t mind appearing wider than she really is.

 

Now, there’s ugly, and then there’s inappropriate. And what could be more inappropriate than 2 reindeers humping?

Why, 3, yes 3 reindeer humping! Oy!

 

I wouldn’t be surprised if this elf surfaces 10 years later with sexual harassment claims.

The sweater below has a lot going on. I can’t tell whether Santa is putting up a star or sucking on the man’s nipple. Is he scratching his own ass or getting it on with the man’s bellybutton? Does the dog want to lick Santa’s ass or the man’s right testicle? So many unanswered questions for this ugly sweater.

Tired of looking at ugly-ass sweaters? Here’s one more.

Upside Christmas trees seem to be the rage this year. Ugly sweaters have jumped on that bandwagon. Would anyone like to jingle his balls?

If your SO is going to be ugly, you must join him or her in the ugliness. Never let your mate be ugly on their own. There’s too much temptation out there in the sea of ugly sweaterness.

And last, but not least, my all-time favorite because it depicts the effects ugly holiday sweaters have on me. These two sweaters worn together scream, “Mexico trip after eating street tacos from a sketchy food cart on the outskirts of town.”

 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

WHEN DID UGLY XMAS SWEATERS GET SO RAUNCHY?

 

Why yes, it’s that time again–the season of ugly sweaters. Christmas sweaters have always been ugly (that’s part of their charm), but when did they get so, um, sexually explicit?

Is this Madonna’s Christmas sweater from the 80s made by Jean-Paul Gaultier? It needs to go back to the 80s and stay there, along with neon colors, leg warmers, and shoulder pads.

I can’t help but think these reindeer got punched in their noses outside the bar while Santa was inside having a few shots, or are experiencing a severe allergic reaction after eating a cheese ball covered in nuts.  I’m the one who needs a bottleful of Benadryl (or Pepto-Bismol) in order to deal with this one.  

Deck the balls with boughs of–oh, never mind. If I were face to face with this man I’d have to fight the urge to hang my coat from his erect carrot, or a dish towel, but I’m guessing he’s thinking more along the lines of hanging mistletoe from that bad boy. Ick.

Is that a frozen carrot or are you just happy to see me? Mrs. Snowwoman (who looks strikingly like a man) doesn’t look too happy. And neither would I if I had to wear this monstrosity, although it does bring to mind a joke: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? He heard the snow blower coming. Heh.

Does anyone else just want to tweak that nose…or lance it because it looks like a boil? This is the perfect “sweater” for a stripper in North Dakota. Ho Ho Ho! Merry XXXmas!

Proof that Santa is lactose intolerant, because after a glass of milk this is what happens to me. Can you imagine poor Santa after 52 billion glasses of milk? For the record, we leave vanilla almond milk for Santa, which is why he visits our home first.

This gem isn’t necessarily raunchy. Instead, it looks as if someone ate a decorated Christmas tree and then vomited it up onto a piece of wool (or I’m guessing polyester in this case). It hurts my eyes and gives me a searing pain in my head–which is what ugly Christmas sweaters are supposed to do, so I choose this one for the WIN this year.

 

Here’s hoping your holiday season is filled with non-dysfunctional family time and gifts you don’t have to feign joy over receiving.