BEFORE YOU MAKE AN AMATEUR PORN VIDEO

BUG SEX

photo by macrophile

I’m no sex therapist, but I know what turns me on. I’m a voyeur; I like to watch people having sex. Which is why I like porn. I’m picky about my porn though. I’m not crazy about professional, glossy videos filled with immobile breasts and butt-ugly men with huge dongs. I like amateur porn videos—the ones that people post online themselves. But not the ones with like four men and six women—too much going on there. Or teenage sex—because that’s just icky to me.

I like real, established couples who are filming themselves because they want to spice up their boring sex lives and take a little walk on the wild side. The couples don’t have to be beautiful; in fact the less attractive they are, the more authentic it is for me. There doesn’t need to be numerous “toys” to play with—each orifice filled to capacity at one time. And as far as I’m concerned, fists do not belong in the bedroom.

Everything else is fine—even the MILFS (tee hee, because well, I am one). The more you watch of these amateur videos however, the more discerning you become. My standards have gone up over time, and I find I much prefer to watch quality, rather than quantity.

Because my sexual tendencies tend to be more like a man’s—meaning I’m visual, unromantic, and can appreciate a woman’s beauty—I’m going to tell women what I want to see, in the event you decide you want to film one of these little gems for posterity.

Tip #1: Don’t ever film while you’re drunk. You’ll slur your words and then I won’t be able understand what you’re saying. You’ll also look sloppy and remind me why I never found a serious boyfriend during all those Spring Breaks.

Tip #2: Unless you have a perfect heart-shaped ass, firm thighs, and washboard abs, a little lingerie goes a long way. I’m not saying you need to look like a Playboy centerfold. That’s not necessary. But some stockings with a garter belt, for example, ups the visual factor and helps to enhance this out-of-the-norm thing you’re doing in the first place. Lingerie just makes a woman look a helluva lot sexier. And it helps to mask cellulite. Enough said.

Tip #3: Nobody wants to feel like they’re making love to a dead fish. If I can hear the sheets moving and the camera rustling, then you’re not making enough noise. Don’t be shy, talk a little dirty, compliment your man, and let out a laugh here and there. You’re not taking the bar exam. Sex is fun, so let me see you having some fun.

Tip #4: But not too much fun. Nothing is more of a buzzkill for me than a woman screaming like a cat in heat. If each and every time your man thrusts into you, you sound like Betty Boop on helium (ee, ee, ee!) or like he has a porcupine penis (oh, oh, oh!), you’re ruining it for me. Also, nobody, and I mean, NOBODY screams the entire time they’re having sex—unless they’re with someone they don’t want to be having sex with. Sex doesn’t feel totally, amazingly, mind-blowingly awesome every single second from start to finish—even if that’s what you want your man to think. Be natural, and don’t exaggerate for the sake of the camera (that’s called overacting).

Tip #5: Don’t stop filming before you both come. That’s the equivalent of blue balls for me. And for God’s sake, I don’t need to see you both getting dressed on camera afterwards, either. That just makes me think of having high-school sex in a friend’s basement.

To recap:

  1. Be sober
  2. Wear some lingerie
  3. Make some noise
  4. Don’t make too much noise
  5. Happy endings make everyone happy

 

Now go to it, and send me the link when you post your homemade masterpiece.

May the K-Y be with you.

10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Menopausalmother
    Mar 12, 2013 @ 11:48:05

    This is great and very brave of you to share, my dear! I like visuals but what always gets to me is READING sex scenes—-I like using my own imagination rather than seeing the faces of the couple involved–that way they can be whoever I want them to be in my mind. But yeah–totally with you on the over-acting, fake orgasms where someone sounds like they are being stabbed to death with razor sharp needles!

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Mar 12, 2013 @ 17:34:37

      Yes, most women prefer reading and using their imagination, which is why romance novels are so popular. That’s why I likened myself to a man–being visual and all. Perhaps this post was too brave, because when I checked my spam I noticed someone had sent me links to a buttload of amateur porn sites! Geez, it’s not like I sit around watching porn all day…lol

      Reply

  2. Marcia kester Doyle
    Mar 12, 2013 @ 11:58:11

    Hi Tiffany!! Loved your new post–i left a comment there but it didn’t appear after i posted it. Do you get it? maybe it’s in your spam folder–I have had trouble all day today leaving comments on sites with wordpress and I have no clue why. Let me know, OK?

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Mar 12, 2013 @ 12:16:18

      No, I never got it. And I had to approve this one, which usually isn’t the case. Maybe WordPress is having some glitches today. Maybe it’s hung over, or pms-ing, or menopausal–lol.

      Reply

  3. Menopausalmother.blogspot.com
    Mar 12, 2013 @ 14:21:52

    OK I’m going to see if I can leave the comment again. What i wrote before was that I prefer sexy novels over the visuals–that way I can come up with my own faces for the characters. And like you, I HATE all the shrieking and moaning–sounds like a damn cat in heat.

    Reply

  4. Sam
    Mar 14, 2013 @ 20:40:06

    Your writing is great… but somethings require a visual to help reinforce the message. I can only hope you are producing the footage that will take this post to the next level, showing the right way and wrong way could be educational. In the event you managed to nail all five you’d have a very large following. I double dog dare you to try. You can be more than a writer.

    No more knocking the “cat in heat” either “deak yak or dead ____” is even less fun.

    Reply

  5. allen
    May 02, 2013 @ 08:45:29

    Excellent post…love the humor mixed with real info. I sell my amateur videos on AMVC.com and it’s been the most fun we’ve had for a long time 🙂

    Reply

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