I LOVE YOU-I HATE YOU

Yes, I’m still obsessed with the break-up of Seal and Heidi. Yes, I keep reading the articles about the “vicious fights and jealousy.” Turns out Seal has “anger issues,” according to US Weekly.

Disclaimer Alert: I am about to make a sweeping generalization regarding men. Okay, here goes: Most men have anger issues.

I think it has to do with testosterone, or machismo, or evolving from gorillas. I’d love to meet a man who doesn’t explode every now and then, but I don’t think he exists. I know you’re thinking, singlewritermom associates with the wrong kind of men, due to some f**ked-up reenactment of childhood issues. My dad was (is) an irrational powder keg, always destined to explode at any moment. So it’s only logical that I would attract that kind of man into my life, right?

Maybe. But here’s the thing. If you’re repressed, or an artist, then you have anger issues. Most men are repressed to a certain extent. They’re conditioned practically from birth to NOT display grand expressions of emotion. (Unless they’re watching football.) They are taught to be “in control” at all times, lest they be branded a “pussy.” The only acceptable emotion left for a man to express is ANGER.

Then you have the men who come from jacked-up childhoods. They carry a ton of repressed anger inside them; I don’t care how much therapy they’ve claimed to have had. Every single man I have known that has come from a crappy home life has been an exploder.

Artists are a different breed. They have so much emotion and passion bubbling up inside of them; they don’t know what the hell to do with themselves. They feel everything SO intensely, and they have to in order to produce any kind of creative work of art. This is why so many of them appear to be insane. And they don’t want to take meds to control their pendulum moods, because then their creative genius may become stymied.

So when an artist is happy, he’s REALLY happy.  And when he gets angry, he gets REALLY angry. Unfortunately, Seal has the double whammy of having had a less-than-ideal upbringing, coupled with being an artist. And when artists get together with other artists (and I use that term loosely with Heidi Klum), what results is a kind of “passion overload” in the relationship. Passionate love=Passionate fights. The two go hand-in-hand.

Celebrities live such extreme lives, filled with so many ups and downs, that any kind of stability is such a foreign concept to them. I imagine it feels downright uncomfortable. When I did theater in New York, I was on such a high during a run of a play that when it was over and done, the crash was excruciating. I imagine it’s similar when you’ve finished filming a movie, or back from a tour. Hence the need to go out and try to recreate that high all over again (usually resulting in affairs, DUIs, and dalliances with hookers).

I had a “passion overload” relationship with my ex. I’m an artist, and he was repressed from an awful childhood. As is often the case, when things were good between us they were great, but when they were bad…they were pretty bad. We’d have vicious fights, filled with lots of yelling, name-calling, and disrespectful behavior. Ultimately, it escalated to a point where we would have probably killed each other. Sure, the sex was passionate during our relationship, but how can I enjoy it if I’m dead?

Up and down love affairs were fun in my twenties; all that fighting, then making up. Then one day in my thirties, I went to Magic Mountain and came off all the roller coasters feeling dizzy and nauseous. I was too damn old for this kid shit, I realized.

Now that I’m in my forties, that’s exactly how I feel about crazy, tumultuous love affairs.

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Crazy. Kinda.
    Jan 30, 2012 @ 11:28:56

    Up until about 5 years I would have agreed with you that most men have anger issues. My ex was proof of that. And then I reconnected with my best friend from college and he is now my fiance. At the beginning of our relationship I was still stuck in the “every conversation should be with raised voices and angry words” mode. I used to try to pick fights, because that was what I was used to. But my fiance does not have anger issues! *gasp!* He even admits when he’s wrong! Holy cow! In our relationship, I’m the one with the anger issues, but he has definitely calmed me down. So, maybe I do agree that most men have anger issues, but I promise you, there are some out there that don’t. They’re just few and far between, and it’s the very lucky girl that finds herself one. I am one of the lucky ones.

    Reply

  2. 02fan
    Jan 30, 2012 @ 18:26:34

    Wow, “sweeping generalization” is right! This is a one sided version if I’ve ever seen one. I’m male with no anger issues directed towards women and have never hit, grabbed, shook nor screamed at a girl or lady in my life. Not that I haven’t been provoked either. I had a high school girl friend that hit me but I just walked away. I also had a fiance that I caught going out with another guy but I just left.

    I have many friends that wouldn’t even consider being agressive towards a lady, no matter how much provoking there was. It’s just not cool at all and none of us would consider a guy a friend that did this! The guys I’m around would beat the living crap out of a guy they saw hit a girl. And they didn’t all come from loving middle class families. A lot has to do with who their friends were and are versus their family life. You can determine a lot by the company a guy keeps.

    I don’t understand why women, under any circumstances, would put up with it more than once. It should be a 100% deal breaker and non-negotiable. Maybe he’s great in bed, loves you dearly, nice most of the time unless he’s drinking, on drugs, got laid off, sick, too much pressure, life’s not fair, someone cut him off in traffic, didn’t get a raise and other lame excuses. The point is that guys that would do this are NOT accepted by the majority of the male community I know and I work in the construction world.

    Teach your friends and especially your daughters to move on immediately from any guy that shows these tendancies and that there is no forgiving. If he did it once he will do it again under the right conditions. Unfortunately, the lady will never know when the condition might arise again and be totally blindsided.

    Now, how about women with anger issues and agressive behavior. I see way more of this today both in the work place and in public. No mention about the ladies dishing out the abuse?

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Jan 30, 2012 @ 20:37:49

      See now, here’s where I have to disagree. And mind you, when I was talking about anger issues, I was referring more to men being yellers. Physical violence is a different issue altogether. Again I will cite the example of my father (which I have done ad nauseum)who is a yeller. Everyone in the family — from his kids to wife to inlaws — puts up with his yelling. He would even yell at his own mother when she was still alive. My stepmom’s advice? Ignore him. Hmmm, that might work for them because they need to keep the dysfunctional harmony intact, but for me it was utter bullcrap. When he went to visit his doctor once, who happens to be a very prominant physician in Beverly Hills, and he told him that everyone suggested he get on medication to control his mood swings, guess what the doctor told him? “You just have a Type A, over-achieving, domineering personality. You don’t need meds.”

      Many men like my father are SOBs in business, and in fact do yell even in business settings, but if they’re successful it’s more acceptable. (Steve Jobs?!)

      At my son’s basketball game this Sat., one of the dads was yelling from the sidelines at all the kids, telling them what to do. I said to his wife, “Geez, how do you deal with that?” She rolled her eyes and told me, “I can’t stand it. I just ignore him.” And that my friend, is how women deal with it. By the time they realize how heinous their husbands really are, they’ve got two kids and a mortgage. So what do you do? Throw in the towel like Heidi did, or just “ignore it.”

      Reply

      • 02fan
        Jan 31, 2012 @ 18:02:07

        Having been around the block several times in the work environment I can tell you that yelling or abusive behavior is not tolerated today. Sure, Steve Jobs is an exception and there are obviously others as well but very very few in my experience. The work world has become mild compare to 30 years ago and behavior you depict your father as having would get him fired from most corporations.
        My bosses in the 70’s would scream, yell, throw hardhats across the room, hang up on people, pull phones out of the wall and get in employees faces in public. Cursing was the norm and a sign of masculinity in the construction environment. Today that is not the norm and explosive/unmanaged passion is not acceptable. 70’s behavior is not accepted under any circumstances and will get you counselled and terminated if not kept in check.
        It’s a changing world and maybe too femanized for most men, including myself. We need to find a happy medium where passion is accepted but not abusive passion.
        I find your refernce to a soccer “Dad” interesting. You have a son and I have both a son and daughters. Possibly you haven’t witnessed the cheer leader Mom’s, dance Moms, volleyball Moms, and on and on. I coached baseball for years and there were just as many Moms and Grandmothers yelling as Dads and Granddads. Perhaps as your son gets older you’ll be exposed to more of these types of Moms because they do exist. Uncontrolled outbursts are not exclusive to one gender
        I happen to spend many hours on the phone or in meetings with female corporate lawyers. Many of them are like uncontrolled attack dogs and most men shy away from being confrontational for fear of being labeled sexist and being taken to task by HR. Women get away with what men are characterized as doing. Today I was on the phone for an hour with a female attack dog and her victim was a perfect southern gentleman the whole time. I repeatedly had to interject to clarify points for her that she didn’t understand. My last project had another female lawyer who was equally as insulting and loud.
        When you get a chance Google “feminization of America”. Very interesting and controversial subject.

      • Tiffany N. York
        Feb 01, 2012 @ 09:16:09

        Nope, sorry. I just don’t buy it. All the women I know are like perfectly refined Southern belles. When we get upset, we just fan ourselves a little faster.

  3. 02fan
    Feb 01, 2012 @ 19:00:05

    I have no doubt that you’re all pretty princesses sipping mint julips on your verandas being waited on by over-testosteroned males that worship the ground you walk on 🙂

    Reply

  4. Angeline
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 09:47:16

    Sad to say, but I have to agree with the male here. Some of the most aggressive people I have ever met, and that includes my clients, have been screaming, yelling, obnoxious females.

    But I also have to say, that i agree with you Tiffany – there comes a day when you don´t find the “passionate” relationship fun anymore. Nor the Bad Boy with the sexy smile and the guitarr.
    Thats why I read romance – I can still get the kick from reading about them, but I don´t have to live with them anymore, because honestly – there´s no “happily ever after” with guys like that:)

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Feb 09, 2012 @ 12:55:42

      Yeesh, ain’t that the truth. Bad boys=Bad news. I used to want to “fix” them, you know? Now I run fast in the opposite direction. So wish you lived closer, Angeline, or vice versa. You and I would have quite the conversations! And probably many war stories to share!

      Reply

      • 02fan
        Feb 09, 2012 @ 20:50:54

        I’d be happy to buy dinner and drinks for you ladies just for the opportunity to quietly listen to your stories!

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