IT’S A GOOD THING MY FAVORITE SUBJECT IS MYSELF

I’ve been tagged by Menopausal Mama, who was tagged by Karen over at www.BakingInATornado.com (who was tagged by www.theadventuresofthefamilypants.com) to answer a list of questions from a game that originally surfaced on Facebook who knows how many years ago. I guess there are 45 questions in this game, but menopausalmama lowered it to 25 to save everyone’s sanity, and also combined various questions from both of the above bloggers.

If you haven’t checked out the site, menopausalmother, you need to, because she is attempting world domination (and succeeding) one blog at a time. She is very funny, has a great list of awesome bloggers, and she’s a very generous blogger, too.

Just when you thought you knew everything there is to know about me, there’s more…mwahaha, there’s ALWAYS more!

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Pittsburgh, PA—which is why I have a nonsensical loyalty to the Steelers. But because I moved to Brooklyn when I was one, I consider myself an abrupt, sarcastic New Yorker through and through.

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE?
My mother named me Tiffany, because she said I looked like such a jewel when I was born (awwww)—after all the blood and afterbirth was cleaned off me, I’m sure.

IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE?
One boy, but he has the energy equivalent of three boys. Lucky me! My house is the preteen party house, so two of my son’s friends are daily permanent fixtures. I’ve started growth charts on my wall for them. Sometimes the neighbor’s girls come over too, so it’s like The Brady Bunch at my house—if The Brady Bunch were Mexican, living in the ghetto, and headed by a single mother.

HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE?
One Chihuahua too many! Thankfully, I’m down to three cats from seven, because they were eating me out of house and home. I have two parakeets that I thought would be chirping melodies from The Sound of Music, but in reality sound like heavy metal from Hellraiser 2. And of course, the diva Chihuahua, who never met a carpet she didn’t like to pee on.

YOUR WORST INJURY?
A stitch in the chin when I was nine from being thrown onto a wooden table while wrestling with my Mom. Sadly, she refused to wrestle with me ever again after that. Other than the stitch, I’ve never broken a bone or been in the hospital, which is why childbirth was such a rude, obnoxious awakening.

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Sadly, no. I really wish I could wolf whistle or tie a cherry stem with my tongue.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE THING TO BAKE?
I probably shouldn’t admit this, because then I’ll NEVER find a husband, but I have never baked cookies from scratch, or a cake in my life. Whenever I feel the need to prove my domesticity, I bake already-made cookies so I can fill my house with the aroma and temporarily feel like Donna Reed. Other than that, I’d say my favorite thing to bake is a frozen pizza that only takes 9-11 minutes to cook, which comes in handy whenever we need to quickly get our asses to soccer practice.

FAVORITE FAST FOOD?
Hands down, In-N-Out, because they don’t use frozen fries, they put thousand island dressing on their burgers, and use real ice-cream in their shakes. Plus, the teenagers who work there hustle like nobody’s business. I also just learned today that there are subtle biblical citations on their cups and burger wrappers. Who knew? I love In-N-Out so much I referred to them a couple times in The Accidental Cougar. Sorry, but they are only in SoCal.

photo by BrownGuacamole

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Twenty years ago, yes, but now I fear death and leaving my child an orphan. I used to ride on the back of motorcycles at 120 mph without a helmet on, take the NY subways at 2am, and travel Southern Italy alone. But now…? The biggest risk I take now is buying a scratch-off ticket.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Whether they’re full of shit or not. I can spot a non-genuine person a mile away.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
A few days ago, I teared up during an episode of Futurama—a silly CARTOON, mind you! And all because it showed a loyal dog waiting outside for years for his master to come back. His master was frozen in time, so he never did come back, and eventually the dog lay down and died. Seeing how loyal animals are to humans gets me every time, but still…it was a cartoon, for God’s sake! That’s like crying over a Hallmark commercial.

ANY CURRENT WORRIES?
None. Hahahahahahahaha! Just kidding. I inherited worry from my Polish Nana who lived through the Depression. I worry about my son turning into a drug-addicted hoodlum, or worse, living with me until he’s thirty-five; I worry about how I’m going to pay my over-priced space rent every month and how long before I’ll need a new water heater; I worry about turkey neck, crow’s feet, bat arms, and ostrich ass. I worry that menopause will be the death of me (or someone else will die as a result), GMOs will give us all cancer, and the world will be destroyed with one asteroid just like the one that destroyed the dinosaurs. I worry that I worry too much.

NAME 3 DRINKS THAT YOU DRINK REGULARLY
Coffee, coffee, and coffee. Maybe some water every once in a while.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK?
The Accidental Cougar! Hah! That’s my book, yessiree! Okay, okay, I wish I could say The Kama Sutra to sound interesting, but I’d have to say Wuthering Heights.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A PIRATE?
Absolutely! But only if I had access to a shower. And a dentist. And condoms.

photo by Mike Johnson-TheBusyBrain

FAVORITE SMELLS?
Sautéed onions and garlic, light cologne on a man, Elmer’s glue, markers, gasoline, jasmine and honeysuckle, pages of a brand-new book

WHY DO YOU BLOG?
Blogging once a week forces me to discipline myself and focus, which I have a tough time with. When my life is falling apart around me and I can’t seem to get anything productive done, I can say, “Well at least I got a blog post done.” Feeling a sense of accomplishment, however small, is very important to me.

WHAT SONG DO YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Yeesh. I want to be cremated, but I suppose if folks want to view my dead body beforehand, I’d prefer to have the blues played—Billie Holiday, Buddy Guy, B.B. King.

WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) Without CFS I’d be able to be an over-achieving, perfectionist Super-Mom with clean floors and no toilet bowl stains just like everyone else; depression (which may or may not be caused by my CFS) Without depression, I’d be, gasp, happy—although it would probably suck to be happy all the time; and my wicked, explosive, not pretty temper, which no doubt, all my exes remember, thank you very much.

FAVORITE HOBBY?
Is writing considered a hobby if I can’t retire off it yet? You know when those non-well-meaning family members call writing books “your little hobby,” and ask whether you’ve gotten it out of your system yet so you can go find a “real job that pays real money?”

WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A FRIEND?
You can be a heroin-addicted, schizophrenic transvestite hooker and I’ll still be your friend. But the second you judge me with a self-righteous, condescending attitude without walking a mile in my shoes, you’re dead to me.

NAME SOMETHING YOU’VE DONE THAT YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU’D DO
Attempt natural childbirth. What a fucking mistake that was. Because hospitals give me panic attacks, I went to a birthing center. They don’t do drugs; they do tubs. Whoever said going through labor in a warm tub is the equivalent of morphine should have their toenails pulled off one-by-one. Seventeen hours of back labor later, I ended up having to be transported in an ambulance to the very hospital I didn’t want to go to in the first place. I got an epidural and all was well. So well in fact that the anesthesiologist is in my will.

FAVORITE FUN THINGS TO DO
Play foosball with my son, or watch silly cartoons with him, go shopping at Marshalls (more orgasmic than fun), and Google time-sucking topics like: “Why won’t my husband have sex with me,” or “Ways in which kids ruin your life”

ANY PET PEEVES?
Grammatical and spelling errors in speech and writing. For the love of God, if you’re going to make a comment after reading an article online, spell check the damn thing, so you don’t sound like a complete moron, please. It’s “lose a war,” not “loose.” It’s “they’re,” not “their.” Learn the difference between “effect” and “affect.” Don’t say “I didn’t want nothing from him.” It’s “anything.” Arrrrgghhh, my blood pressure goes up just thinking about it.

WHAT’S THE LAST THING THAT MADE YOU LAUGH?
I saw these words on Facebook and it was like getting hit on the head with an anvil, but in a good way:

Hallelujah and Amen! I believe everything happens for a reason, but then again, there are a list of things that have happened in my life where I can bang my head against the wall until I’m seventy and I still won’t know the reason why they had to happen. The words “You’re stupid and u make bad decisions” is reason enough for me.

Menopausal Mama tagged like twenty other bloggers for this, but she is way more blogtastic than me. I am tagging three other bloggers, because I want to find out more about them without seeming like a creepy stalker. I hope they’re up to the challenge:

For some scary insight into what your restaurant server is really thinking, visit:

restaurantbastards.wordpress.com

For everything you wanted to know about sex, women, dating, and then some…

narcissistsblog.wordpress.com

For musings on writing, reading, film, and chocolate…

zenscribbles.wordpress.com