father and daughter

It’s been five years since I’ve seen or spoken to my father. Five years since he flew into a rage because I looked at him wrong and he threw me out of his home. Five years since I decided I’d had enough of being his verbal punching bag.

Occasionally, I’ll get news of him through my stepmother—how he’s ailing, and not handling ageing well. I often wonder how I’ll feel when he dies. Will I regret not letting bygones be bygones? Glorify the good and forget the bad? Long for closure? He was my father, after all. The only thing that comes to mind if I were asked to describe him in one sentence is: He was the nastiest man I’ve ever known.

That’s it in a nutshell. My male role model, first male figure in my life upon which I model all men and relationships (which probably explains why I’m single). The experts say that a girl who doesn’t grow up with unconditional love and support from her father suffers from poor self-esteem and an inability to form healthy relationships with men. Go into any strip club and ask a stripper how her relationship was with her dad growing up and nine times out of ten I’ll bet you they’ll say, “He was distant, or emotionally unavailable, or abusive, or had unrealistic expectations, or…”

Some women can channel the burning desire to win Daddy’s elusive love and make him proud by turning into an overachiever, a workaholic, an anorexic even (if he’s overbearing and critical, and it’s the only thing they can control about themselves). Or they can go the other route like I did—assume the victim role and become depressed. I internalized all his anger and verbal abuse.

If my parent, who’s supposed to love me like no other, claims I’m no good, then it must be so. If my parent thinks I’m a failure, I’ll never succeed at anything. If my parent doesn’t love me, it must mean I’m unlovable.

Well-meaning people think you can just shrug this stuff off. “You’re an adult. Get over it.” But you can’t. Not without years of intensive therapy anyway. Your formative years mold your entire state of being. They influence your psyche in a more pervasive way than even genetics do. So if you’ve been screamed at your whole life and made to feel worthless, it’s going to impact you negatively no matter how many positive affirmations you recite. And when you’ve been forced to deal with a parent who’s unstable and explosive, you learn you can’t trust anyone, because you’re expecting to be ripped to shreds at a moment’s notice.

I remember one time being in the car with my dad and half-brother, who was around two years old. We were stopped in front of my father’s office and my brother was climbing all over me. “You’re such a little monkey,” I told him, laughing. And my father stopped what he was doing, and began screaming at me. “Don’t you ever call my son a monkey again. Howard Cosell was fired for calling a player a monkey. Did you know that? How would you like it if I called you a cow?”

Wait, wha-?

Instead of telling him what an asshole he was like I should have, I always took the passive approach just to try to make the screaming stop. I held back the tears and clammed up. My entire childhood and young adulthood was spent holding back the tears and clamming up whenever I was around him. So when I look back and try to remember something, anything nice, like him telling me he loved me (never) or giving me a compliment (only one in my lifetime and it was about my nails looking nice), or being proud of me (He once told me a monkey (that word again) could do my retail job), I can’t seem to find a thing.

So will I have any regrets when he dies? Yes. I’ll always regret he wasn’t a better father.

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kath
    Jul 31, 2015 @ 03:21:02

    Oh my God, Sweetheart, this is so sad. Horrific.

    Some of us were blessed with good parents. Some of us weren’t. You, unfortunately, were not. But that doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy, aren’t lovable, aren’t a good parent or good person. It just means that the people (or, in this case, person) who was supposed to show you and tell you that you ARE was more worthless than what you’d find at the bottom of your shoe.

    I have always been a big believer in distancing myself from people who hurt me. You did the same thing. Don’t let anybody’s negativity bring YOU down.

    Your regret is right on target.



    • Tiffany N. York
      Aug 03, 2015 @ 18:53:22

      Thanks, Kath. I’ve had it drilled into me that family is everything, and indeed, many in my family look down on my decision, but ultimately one must do what’s best for oneself–for one’s sanity, peace of mind, and self-respect. I’ve been watching the show, Blue Bloods, and they’re a tight-knit Irish Catholic cop family who has a big Sunday dinner every show. Can’t say I don’t wish that for me. It’s TV I know, but still…:)


  2. RisingSong
    Aug 01, 2015 @ 20:37:36

    That last sentence is right on. I can relate to this post in way too many ways. Thank you for being so raw and open.


    • Tiffany N. York
      Aug 03, 2015 @ 18:59:51

      Thanks for saying so. You know me–I can never sugarcoat anything, although I can mask the pain with humor quite well. Yeah, dysfunctional families suck. The beautiful thing about comedians is they can transform that dysfunction into art. Right now my new fav quote is: “What doesn’t kill you fucks you up mentally.” Kinda funny, no?


      • RisingSong
        Aug 03, 2015 @ 19:35:19

        Ha ha ha. Had to laugh at that one…Yes, that’s one of the things that I enjoy about your writing. Through all that pain, you can make us all laugh our asses off…and it sounds kind of sick to laugh about the pain, but truthfully, sometimes I come here to do just that. Sometimes, I just need a little humor to help me pick up the pieces.

        Write on 🙂

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