AN APOLOGY TO SKINNY BITCHES

Opposites
I rag constantly on models, actresses, and skinny bitches in general, because, well, they’re skinny…and obviously disciplined (or neurotic, bulimic, or anorexic). But I’ve a newfound respect for them. I’ve come to learn it’s really hard to be a skinny bitch—especially after 40.

I have always been somewhat obsessed with my weight. Not to the point of compulsively dieting or working out, but always mentally obsessing. Because I despise exercise, a quick fix to lose a few pounds would be to just not eat. No biggie, since food doesn’t excite me all that much, and I’m not a stress eater. I much prefer to chew my nails and make other people’s lives miserable when I’m stressed out.

I’ve never had a weight problem per se, but I’ve never been a skinny bitch either. I’m half Italian and half Polish, which explains why excess carbs go straight to my ass. I grew hips at 16 when I went on the Pill and they’ve been with me ever since. I fell in love with my son’s father when he uttered those 3 words I always longed to hear: “You’re too skinny.” He liked thick women with big asses. Who wouldn’t love that in a man?

It wasn’t until my ex up and left me with a 1 year old and I started fantasizing about driving head-on into traffic that I began taking happy pills which packed on the pounds. I didn’t care—better to be fat and (somewhat) happy, rather than thin and batshit crazy. I did manage to eventually lose the 30 pounds I had accumulated from eating bagels drenched in butter, much to the delight of literally everyone around me, including the mailman. You never realize how fat you’ve gotten until you A. See yourself in photos and B. Receive congratulatory comments about how much weight you’ve lost from people whose name you don’t even know.

Weight management is like being bipolar—sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down, but there’s always fluctuation. So when I stopped working out regularly once again and began eating crap like salty snack mixes, Almond Joys, and pizza, the pounds crept back on. Here’s the frightening thing though. While I may have always had thighs, hips, and an ass, what I NEVER had before was a stomach. So when all of a sudden I had this fucking muffin top hanging over my waistband, I was horrified. According to my rules of karma, everyone should have 1 area of their body that doesn’t give them a problem no matter how much they eat or drink.

After a few months of whining and feeling sorry for myself, I started working out regularly again. No results. Then I started eating slightly smaller portions. Nothing. I cursed my 46-year-old metabolism, and saw myself turning into this flabby, middle-aged potato-shaped woman with a lot of cats. I became depressed. I napped a lot. I took the Why bother? approach. Summer crept closer and closer, which meant shorts and tank tops. I knew a burka just wouldn’t go over in my neighborhood.

So I finally, finally got my ass in gear and took charge. Made a goal, started getting B-12 shots in my ass for energy, bought some green detox powder that tastes like mowed grass, plus a high-quality meal replacement drink that becomes gluey paste if it sits too long. I started exercising and using little 5-pound weights. But I did not actually start noticing a distinct change in my body until I took drastic measures. What did I have to do? I had to go to Hell and stay there. In fact, I’m still there, because I’m 6 pounds away from my goal.

For the last month, I have been working out every. freaking. day. I have NEVER done that in my life. I drink that green crap for breakfast, a meal replacement for lunch, and have a salad with maybe some tuna in it for dinner. I dish out lasagna and pizza for my son while biting my fist in frustration, but I have not caved yet. I went to a 4th of July party and didn’t drink alcohol or eat dessert. I had guacamole without the chips, and chicken instead of beef.

Sure I may feel great, but are you kidding me? This is no way to live. How do the skinny bitches do it? I mean, yeah, I’ve lost weight, but I had cherry tomatoes for dessert last night when I was craving something sweet. Fucking cherry tomatoes! That’s insane to have to do that all the time. In order to be skinny, you have to omit carbs (the good ones, anyway) which means you can never eat a goddamn sandwich or a burger. Certainly no chips. Or tortillas. No to sugar. And steak. And pasta. And potatoes. And what you do eat has to be in minute amounts. Plus, you have to exercise like 2 hours a day!

I applaud all you skinny bitches, because it’s damn hard to stay skinny. The will power and discipline needed is enormous and commendable. I think it was Julia Roberts who once said that in order to be thin you have to say no a lot when it comes to food. Yeesh.

So Brava to all the skinny bitches out there! I’ve decided I don’t want to join your masochistic club (the dues and obligations are way too high), so I’ll be admiring you from afar, instead.

How many of you are skinny bitches? And how in the hell do you stay that way?

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12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. missy304
    Jul 08, 2014 @ 12:08:57

    Lol. You are pretty funny. I dont know if im a skinny bitch…but…I did struggle with my weight most of my life. Staying at a healthy weight does NOT come naturally for me. I can tell you one thing tho…cherry tomatoes for desert sounds terrible lol. Why not experiment with other things for your sweet tooth cravings such as Greek yogourt, apple and almond butter, just fruits or my FAVORITE…almond flour pancakes topped with all kinds of fresh fruits. Hang in there… the toughest part is finding what works for you… its not really about eating less as most people assume…its about eating the right things! 🙂 Good luck!

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Jul 08, 2014 @ 20:27:01

      You’re absolutely correct–it is about eating the right things. I’m pretty healthy for the most part, but I got in to this phase where I was eating my son’s snack food, which I usually don’t do, plus sitting at the computer all day was giving me writer’s ass. Now that I’ve finally dropped some poundage I can probably ease up a bit…maybe have a few raisons for dessert. haha

      Reply

  2. missy304
    Jul 08, 2014 @ 12:09:44

    Or!! You could also make your own protein bars. The possibilities are endless!! Lol

    Reply

  3. Grief Happens
    Jul 08, 2014 @ 13:05:28

    I’m laughing my ass off. Well, first, good for you. I would say you’ve taken some drastic measures. I’ve been called a skinny bitch, but I’ve seriously concluded that so much of it is just the luck of the draw. The majority of my family members simply have skinny genes — they’re all bat-shit crazy, but they don’t pack on the pounds easily. As a kid I was insanely skinny and everybody and their pet poodle commented on my size, which gave me a huge complex. When I finally did gain a little weight, they all remarked on that, too, which gave me more of a complex, so I starved myself and over-exercised. It was nuts. I’m not quite 40 yet, but most of the women in my family gain in their stomach in their 40s and resemble giant chickens — skinny legs and all. I’m afraid that will be me. Joy! My other theory is that we all have to come back to life with different troubles until we’ve experienced a bit of everything. I suspect I’ll be medically obese in my next life. For now, I try to eat what I want in moderation and exercise a few times a week, but I don’t have a huge appetite. I’m sure you look fabulous, but I bet in your next life you’ll be a skinny bitch.

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Jul 08, 2014 @ 20:36:22

      I’d better be a skinny bitch in my next life for all the stray cats I feed! Yeah, genetics play a HUGE part in weight. So the women in your family are apple-shaped, and in mine they’re pear-shaped. I’d kinda rather be an apple so I could just wear flowing shirts to hide my fat and look like an exotic gypsy. Way better than dresses with empire waists and skirt bathing suits.

      Reply

  4. menopausalmother
    Jul 08, 2014 @ 14:27:01

    Girl, you are speaking the language of my people here! Dying laughing because I relate to EVERY SINGLE THING!!! I am so sharing this!

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Jul 08, 2014 @ 20:40:00

      I knew you would, although you’re a skinny Zumba-loving bitch! I know, I know, you have to do your Zumba because lord knows I see what you eat and drink, so if you didn’t do Zumba you’d be 600 pounds.

      Reply

      • menopausalmother
        Aug 08, 2014 @ 19:37:20

        Hahahaha! I hate to admit this, but I have put on a good ten pounds just in the last six months since working on this damn book. I’m a sugar-stress eater!

      • Tiffany N. York
        Aug 09, 2014 @ 16:19:06

        Congrats! You’re well on your way to having “writer’s ass.”

  5. Crazy. Kinda.
    Jul 08, 2014 @ 19:42:23

    Oh, my darling, you’re so lucky I love your blog. First off. . .it sounds like you’re doing great. Exercise is a good way to go. . .so they say. I love to hate it, from a distance. I did about 6 months at the gym about 3 years ago and loved it, felt great all the time, blah blah blah. Don’t hate me when I say this. I’m skinny due to genetics. Will it catch up to me eventually? Yeah, it might. But you can hate me for saying that if you want. . .from a skinny bitch. 😉

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Jul 08, 2014 @ 20:50:27

      I don’t hate you just because you’re a genetically skinny bitch. If I hated all genetically skinny bitches I’d have no friends. My good friend here just went shopping for a dress for a wedding. She said to me, “I ended up having to get a size 4 because the 2 was a little snug.” (Mind you, she’s had 2 kids and is over 40.) Of course I made fun of her and rolled my eyes, but I can’t hate her. I just keep buying her lots of chocolate for Christmas.

      Reply

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