ODE TO THE PENIS

Photo by Malingering

I have been fascinated with penises ever since I was a little girl. Not sure exactly where the fascination stemmed from, I just know I used to go around drawing them on every available notepad in my grandmother’s house.

Instead of playing dolls with my friends, I was taking pictures of a real penis with my Kodak Instamatic camera. The boy who lived upstairs and I thought it would be great fun, as well as instructional—that is, until my mom picked up the developed photos and there was a “Possible Pedophile Warning Notice” tacked on the envelope.

Readers of this blog may have felt that some of my past posts sound a bit “anti-men,” but the truth is I love men. The fact that I usually choose crappy men has done nothing to diminish my liking of their anatomy. And for that, I am truly thankful. I can honestly say I have never met a penis I didn’t like. Penises are like breasts—they come in all shapes and sizes, so you never know what you’re going to get. And judging by my ten-year-old son’s enamor of his, they are obviously endless sources of amusement.

I’ve often wondered what it must be like to have a penis, something so “out there” all the time. Mostly, I forget I have a vagina until it’s time to go to the bathroom. And even then, I don’t become aroused simply because the air hits it.

My son said the other day, “My penis is just so fun. I want to play with it all the time.” I calmly told him to always play with it in private, but I have to admit, I was a bit envious. Women typically take a while to “warm up,” sexually, and even then, they may not be turned on until twenty minutes into the act when things start feeling somewhat good. But men, ah men, they know RIGHT AWAY if they’re turned on. And everything feels good RIGHT AWAY. Hell, anything that’s directed toward the general vicinity of their pelvic region feels good.

Since there’s no PENIS APPRECIATION DAY, I’ve decided to write a little poem…

My son has named his penis Billy.

Which to a woman may sound quite silly.

But penises matter a whole bunch

To the men who own them. Why? I have a hunch

This source of pleasure is fun and free

Always willing to oblige and wanting to please me.

I really can’t complain since penises have always made me feel good

The only suggestion I can make is whether they could

Learn how to cook and clean, make an effort to become more comprehensible

Then in my book, penises would be indispensible.

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Menopausalmother
    Sep 24, 2012 @ 18:23:14

    Haha you are too funny.Can’t wait to read some of the other comments you get on this post!! What I think is interesting also about men is their obsession with the penis..size, and all that. They also have to joke about it all the time. Ever notice that??? Could you imagine if women sat around all day making vagina jokes and comparing sizes??? How odd!!

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Sep 25, 2012 @ 08:11:59

      I remember breast size being a big deal in school growing up. The girls who developed early got all the attention. Sadly, I was known as “Titless Tiffany.” Ah, good times…

      Reply

      • Menopausalmother
        Sep 26, 2012 @ 16:13:30

        Oh God–I can’t believe they said that to you!!!! I was the last one to develop in school, and back then the guys would go around and snap bra straps from the back to see if you were wearing one. Of course I got caught without one and they teased the shit out of me. Made my mom go out the next day and get me one of those stupid training bras just so I could fit in!!

      • Tiffany N. York
        Sep 27, 2012 @ 11:40:13

        I still remember my first bra. It was this white lace itchy polyester thing with no cups–just two slabs of fabric with straps. I didn’t even need to wear one for my mosquito bites, but once a few of the girls starting wearing them, I had to follow suit.

    • 02fan
      Sep 25, 2012 @ 19:26:48

      I figured there would at least be a debate on “size matters” after your comment. Is it all technique, size, feelings for the guy, on a given day any penis will do, a combination of the above or something else?

      Reply

  2. igneousidol
    Sep 24, 2012 @ 20:42:43

    We went past a pizza joint yesterday named “big willys” both my son and I thought it was hilarious but we did not stop in to get a bite of big willy. He wanted me to take a picture of the sign, but I had no memory card in my camera, and he forgot his ipod.

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Sep 25, 2012 @ 08:08:50

      Every time my son and I go past “Dick’s Sporting Goods” you can imagine the laughter and comments! You should take a picture of that sign. The name is pretty funny.

      Reply

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