Why do smart women fall for deadbeat loser idiots?

I have a few friends, myself included, who have asked the same question. We consider ourselves somewhat smart; I mean, we’re not Mensa, but we do all right—except for the fact that we got ourselves hooked up with losers, and unfortunately had children with them.

“I don’t understand what happened. Before Mr. Loser, I always dated successful men who treated me like a princess.”

So what the hell were we thinking? And what makes women put up with abuse and addiction, cheating, or financial and emotional stress? Are we afraid of winding up old and alone, with 17 cats swarming around our ankles?

Actually, we are. A lot of girls grow up thinking they need a man to take care of them, because they can’t take care of themselves. The irony is these women end up being the ones taking care of their “playing video games all day in their PJs while waiting to hear from that job any day now” loser significant other.

And then there’s the old belief that he’ll change. Um, yeah. The only time a man will change is if he was reasonably sane his entire life, but now has dementia, and he’s running down the street naked, holding a banana while thinking it’s an Olympic Torch, or if he’s pissed himself. You might get him to shave off that mustache if you convince him it makes him look like a 70s porn star, but that’s probably it. I once told a guy I was dating, “You know, you’d be the perfect guy with a little bit of therapy,” and he said, “Sorry, what you see is what you get.” Indeed. The guy ended up being a loser.

“But I won’t find anyone better,” we whine. Meanwhile, they’re forgetting our birthdays, telling us we do look fat in those jeans, and giving us Chlamydia. Is our self-esteem so horrible that we think we can’t find anyone better than a porn-addicted alcoholic? Apparently. We can thank our parents for this. Men and women typically pick losers when they didn’t get the love and affection of a parent. Let’s say you had an emotionally distant father growing up (rare, I know, but bear with me). By choosing an emotionally distant boyfriend (or girlfriend), you are essentially recreating what’s familiar to you. And even though you know the relationship is lacking, every once in awhile, the SO throws you scraps like, “Oh babe, you know I love ya,” or “Get dressed. I’m taking you out to Denny’s,” causing you to gobble them up like the poor starving dog that you are.

Women love to feel needed, and boy, do these men need us. They may be losers, but they’re not stupid. They know we’re their meal ticket. It’s our job as women to give, give, give. God forbid we’re labeled as selfish, and besides, if we leave them, they’ll…drink again, starve, kill themselves, forget to feed the snake. When I once asked my stepmom why she stayed with my father, since he was clearly emotionally unstable, she said, “I worry he’d never find anyone else to love him.” Years ago, when my dad was caught cheating, and my stepmom was threatening to leave, I asked him, “Aren’t you afraid of dying alone?” He scoffed at this, claiming there was no way in hell he’d ever die alone; that he could get another (cough, co-dependent, cough) woman in the blink of an eye. Hmmm, just a slight difference in perspectives there, no?

OMG, but the sex is amaaazing! So is the first line of cocaine, but that doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Women always want a relationship whenever good sex is involved. Doesn’t matter whether you’ve just had sex with him, bent over a parked car in the lot of the bar you met him in a mere hour beforehand. If we could just admit to being a horny slut, and see it for what it was—SEX AND NOTHING MORE—we’d save ourselves a lot of heartache.

Why do you think smart women fall for deadbeat loser idiots?

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Menopausalmother
    Aug 27, 2012 @ 19:33:52

    Insecurities, the need to be needed, mothering instincts–it all comes into play here. I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman who DIDN’T have at least one loser in her life. Most of the time I think it happens when we are younger, looking for the “bad boy” type just to experiment with a little walk on the wild side. If it happens continually, then you really have to ask yourself why you keep picking the same type over and over again. I dated a real creep who, in the beginning, I thought was very charming. I also thought he had a nice job, nice house, etc. Turned out to be a major facade–he had nothing. By then I was “in love” with him (or so I thought). He was a liar/cheater/abuser/stalker, and I was lucky to get out of the relationship alive. But that is also when I met the man I eventually married, who taught me that not all men are creeps. The good ones are out there–it just takes time, because they are just sooo damn hard to find!


    • Tiffany N. York
      Aug 27, 2012 @ 21:43:59

      Yeesh, good thing you got away from him. It’s true that sometimes you don’t realize the guy is a loser until you’re already sucked in. My ex told me when we first met that he planned on being a police officer. Ooh, he has ambition, I thought. That’s a good sign. Well, years later he was involved with the police all right, just not in the right capacity. Sigh. I should have known that his past behavior would be indicative of future behavior, but he was young, we both were, and I honestly thought he could change if only he was pointed in the right direction. The direction I should have pointed him was out the door!


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