I’M ONLY HUMAN AND FACEBOOK IS THE DEVIL

Painting

Photo by corazon girl

I  hate Facebook. I rue the day it was created. I get that it’s a great way for people to get in touch, but half the people who find me are folks I was never that great friends with in the first place. So why would I want to be friends with them now, after 30 years?

I also get that it’s a way for people to stay in touch, but most of the crap that people post makes me want to stick a fork in my eye. Like inspirational quotes. If I wanted to channel Tony Robbins every day, I’d buy his freakin seminars on CD, okay? I didn’t buy the Inspirational Quote A Day Rip Off The Pages Calender, I went for The Far Side one, so that should tell you something about me right there.

I just accepted a friend request from someone I went to high school with. The minute I clicked “Accept,” 20 youtube song posts came up in a row. I don’t mind one or two, but 20? Really? What is he, unemployed, sitting in front of the computer, listening to music all day? Then he posted this pic, and I was like, “Whoa there, buddy! Back the truck up just a goddamn minute. Did you seriously just post this for all to see?”

                       

I have another friend who posts gems like this every day:

One of these at a time I can deal with. But 11 a day makes me want to “unfriend” her. And don’t even get me started on the ones who post God quotes.

I genuinely like hearing about important news. I would have never known my sister was moving to another city in two weeks had the news not been posted on FB. Ever since being banished from everything involving that side of my family, I have no idea what goes on with any of them anymore. My father threw me out of his house three years ago for looking at him the wrong way. I’m sure it also had something to do with the fact that he’s a Cancer, and Cancers always seem to think they can live your life better than you can. So if you’re not doing what it is they think you should be doing, then that’s a huge FAIL on your part and they no longer have any use for you.

Case in point: My best friend of over 20 years, also a Cancer, voiced her unwelcome opinion two years ago that I “needed to get my shit together.” For her, that meant getting a job as a full-time manager at Starbucks, stop focusing on the “romantic drivel” I like to read, and forgo all sex until my son was out of the house. Umm, yeah, well, it’s a good thing I didn’t listen to her or I’d be one over-caffeinated, stressed-out bitch right now.

Anyhoo, I get to see everything I’m missing out on family-wise, since they always post a gazillion photos. I see how people age, and how fat they get, without anyone seeing me age, and how fat I get. It’s a win-win situation.

There are times when information on FB is too accessible. Like when I went to my son’s elementary school principal’s FB page on a whim, and there were photos of her and Captain Crunch in that lame head-together pose couples do when they’re taking their own picture. Had I not seen that, I could have continued to be completely oblivious to the fact that Captain Crunch was fucking her and me, and who knows how many others at the same time.

Other tidbits of info I don’t need to see or read about on FB? What you ate for dinner, as well as photos of it. Who cares what shoes you’re buying at the moment? I do care if your kid’s really sick, but I really don’t care if you have the sniffles. Can’t people ever post something interesting, like, “Had a big fight with my DH last night after he came home wasted and puked in my newly-planted begonias.”

What’s that you say? There are people who post those kinds of things? Maybe I need to get a new set of friends.

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12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. 02fan
    Jun 25, 2012 @ 12:33:03

    Gee, I guess you don’t want any more of my motivational quotes! I do have a complete set of Tony’s tapes if you want to borrow them 🙂

    How about the diet and exercise links I forward???

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Jun 25, 2012 @ 17:15:20

      Yeah, they’re fine, and I DO read them — once I’ve sat there and thought long and hard over whether or not you’re passive-agressively trying to tell me something!

      Reply

  2. Alex Jones
    Jun 25, 2012 @ 16:33:56

    If I was on Facebook and you friended me I could have sent you a dozen Winston Churchill quotes a day, and cute kitten images. Oh well.

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Jun 25, 2012 @ 17:12:46

      I actually don’t mind Winston Churchill (“Never x 3 give up” is tacked up on my bulletin board) or Thoreau even. But a dozen EVERY day? It’s like the equivalent of being a stalker. Then again, maybe I’m just a pessimistic, non-warm and fuzzy cranky old lady.

      Reply

  3. Crazy. Kinda.
    Jun 25, 2012 @ 17:12:00

    Oh! The God quotes. That’s when I start posting pentagrams. Or I get the “prayer makes everything better” comments. Dude, look in my “about” section. I’m Wiccan. Grrr.

    Reply

  4. Menopausalmama
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 07:18:00

    Oh God I HATE it when people post crap all day long on Fb. I want to unfriend a person from high school who posts at least 20 posters with cutesy sayings on them all day. Another one posts numerous political facts to make the rest of us poor slobs look stupid. Another obsesses about her various illnesses–she went so far as to talk about her diarrhea on Fb. Geez!! I just want to hear the latest gossip on there and look at interesting pics–forget the other junk!!!
    Great blog post, BTW. I always enjoy your writing because it is NEVER boring! Thanks for sharing this!

    Reply

  5. kittykitty13
    Jun 28, 2012 @ 20:09:59

    well friend, i not on facebook. it looks like a lot of people that have nothing to do important and are brain dead. i like to talk to people and friends face-to-face like you girl!! miss ya

    Reply

  6. Menopausalmama
    Jun 30, 2012 @ 12:19:18

    When you get a chance, please visit my new blog post—I left 2 awards there for you (bear with me, it’s kind of a long post..) Hope you like it! Congrats!

    Reply

  7. Norma
    Jul 02, 2012 @ 13:01:15

    So with you there. I hate the passive-aggressive Inspirational Quote ‘messages’. I don’t have many FB friends ’cause I mean if we’re not friends IRL and/or I haven’t talked to you since I was in jr. high, WHY are you adding me again? And don’t get me started on farmville requests and the like o_O

    Reply

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