Some days I don’t feel like being a mother. Some days I don’t even feel like being a person, especially when I find a stinky dead opossum with four dead babies rotting away underneath my shed.
My life consists of laundry and dirty dishes and cooking and yard work and cleaning the new spots of dog piss on what remaining carpet we have left, and trying to explain to my son why it’s not okay to leave poop-stained underwear lying around the house.
Sometimes it’s 10:30 a.m. and I wonder if it’s too early to start drinking. Who said Happy Hour needed to start at 5 in the evening anyway? The things I used to do to relax are no longer possible. Sleeping in; drawing the curtains and watching movies all day; NOT cooking or cleaning. It’s been almost ten years since I’ve done any of that.
Well-meaning folks always tell me, “Enjoy every minute. Kids grow up so fast.”
And sometimes they don’t grow up fast enough, is what I want to tell them.
Or they say, “Just you wait, soon they won’t want anything to do with you” and “They’ll be out of the house before you know it.”
I think, Ahhh, then I’ll get to sleep in, or sleep naked, or sleep with another adult. God, I can’t wait.
I dream of the days when I might finally be able to write without a gazillion interruptions. I’ll certainly never be at a loss for story ideas. The other day, a newspaper story read:
“Jilted dentist gets revenge by pulling all of her ex’s teeth—The bar for break-up revenge stories has just been raised. Anna Mackowiak, 34, a dentist in Wroclaw, Poland, is facing jail time after pulling out all of her ex-boyfriend’s teeth in a calculated fit of rage. While this is obviously unacceptable behavior, 45-year-old Marek Olszewski’s head is clearly missing more than just teeth, if he thought he could walk into his ex’s office without hesitation only days after dumping her for another woman and ask her to work on a toothache. Mr. Olszewski will have many lonely nights to ponder his actions. His new girlfriend was not cool with the toothless look and has left him.”
I couldn’t make that stuff up even if I tried. Seems like someone took “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” a little too seriously. I’m sorry, but did the man not realize after his sixth tooth was pulled that something was amiss?
How about this headline? “Meth lab explodes in man’s pants during scuffle with cops.” Apparently, he was cooking meth and driving at the same time.
It’s a good thing there’s no shortage of idiots in this world, just like there will always be celebrities who cry over their loss of privacy and then get caught for soliciting man-boys in the bathroom of LA Fitness.
There are days when I’m up for the “Mother of the Second” award, and other times when it’s all I can do just to get through twenty-four hours without sticking a fork in my eye.