Budget Cuts. My son has no school for two days due to budget cuts. I’m ready to write a check to the school district just to make everything go back to normal. Finding out you’re going to have a couple of budget cut days is like finding out you have to go to traffic school—it sucks and you just want it over and done with.

Pair budget cut days with pouring rain and you get a recipe for a nervous breakdown. Don’t get me wrong. I love my son. But in small doses. A little boy goes a long way. Multiply my little boy with five other little boys, playing video games and running around my house carrying chocolate-covered granola bars in their grubby little hands, and you get a prescription for Xanax.

In order to keep what scarce sanity I have left, I had to find what little humor I could in this hellish four-day weekend. Here are some questions that amuse me and make me go Hmmm.

Why do we call it a hamburger when it’s made from beef?

How come there aren’t any B batteries?

Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?

If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

If you mated a bulldog and a shih tzu, would it be called a bullshiht?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, “My name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic”?

Can blind people see in their dreams?

Why are they called apartments when they’re all stuck together?

Why does mineral water that “has trickled through mountains for centuries” have an expiration date?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

Why is there ever only one shoe on the side of the road?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


Oh boy, I cannot wait for summer vacation.

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