WHO’S THE PUBLICITY SLUT NOW?

As soon as I signed the contract on the dotted line for my debut novel, I received a gazillion-page guide from the publishing company for how to promote myself as an author. I understand the importance of publicity; after all, if no one knows about you and the book you’ve written, who’s going to buy it? Unless you’ve signed with one of the Big Six, your advertising budget is a big fat zero.

Well, mine is, anyway. In a valiant effort to save money I don’t have in the first place, I decided to design my own website. How hard could it be to set up a free site with only the very basics of bells and whistles?

After nine days, seventy-two hours of pure frustration and hell, I came to the conclusion that there’s a conspiracy against all the non-techies in this world. All the techies out there don’t want us (the non-techies) to understand even the simplest of computer concepts, because tons of money would be lost by them.

If computers were easy to understand like they SHOULD be, a Josephine Schmo like me would be able to design a simple freaking website, instead of breaking down and finally calling “Your Last Resort Web Designer,” because I had finally reached the point where I was ready to sell my son just to alleviate my barely controllable urge to smash my laptop against the wall.

It’s sad when even a Dummy Guide is too complex for me to understand. What I need is A Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding Computers.

Step 1: Turn on the computer. The button is located on the upper left-hand side of your laptop. Make sure you’ve actually opened the computer before searching for the On button.

How come no one writes manuals as if they were explaining stuff to a two-year-old? It would make my life A LOT easier.

So my website is in a state of purgatory right now. The other publicity suggestions? Well, I need to do things like blog regularly about writing, and set up a Facebook Fan Page, and join loops and get linked and liked and reviewed, and spotlighted, and all this other stuff that makes my head spin, because let’s face it – if I were an extroverted marketing genius in the first place, that’s probably what I’d be doing as a profession.

But I’m not. I’m an introverted, cranky writer, who most of the time feels irritated by people in general, and really has no desire to talk to anyone, unless they’re delivering a package to me.

So, how can I become a publicity slut? The thought of accidently releasing a sex tape crossed my mind. I mean, if Kim K can become famous for just laying there and moaning, how hard can it be? (no pun intended) But I don’t know any NFL players, so that’s out.

Is there anything I could get arrested for? I wondered. Something that would pique the interest of the public, without branding me a deceitful, poor excuse for a woman, like Casey Anthony. Then, instead of screaming, “Attica!” while being taken away, I could shout out the name and release date of my novel.

Seems like that publicity crap only works if you’re filming a reality show, and you walk over to Snooki and punch her in the face. And we all know she’s the one who’ll end up with another book deal, anyway, and we need that like we need another Duggar kid.

This remarkable concept suddenly came to me. Something I had never thought of before…how about I use all that time and energy I would have to spend pimping myself out, and just sit my fat ass down and write another book? That way, if folks are entertained by what they read in my first novel, they might actually want to read something else I’ve written. And if I have another book for them, I may build a fan base, and then they’ll tell two friends, and so on and so on…

I won’t have to get naked, or add Felon to my resume. I can just…write. So simple, so solitary, and I won’t feel bad about myself in the morning.

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