A MODEL RELATIONSHIP

Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima had some ‘splaining to do
after she divulged her rather extreme pre-show diet. For nine days before the
show, she admitted to working out twice a day and drinking only protein shakes.
Twelve hours before having to strut her skinny stuff on the catwalk, she
ingests no food and “no liquids at all so (she) can dry out.”

Of course everyone was in an uproar over those comments. “Think
of all the prepubescent girls who will do the same unhealthy things to become
thin,” they cried. You mean the same ones who can access the How to become an anorexic websites with
just a tap of the fingers?

While frustrated, envious women (me, included) demand to know how these models stay so abnormally thin, we don’t really want to hear the answer. What we want to hear is the advice “normal” people get to maintain their average weight: Exercise at least 3x a week, and watch your portions, because then looking model-perfect will be within all our reaches.

Wake up, people! Models aren’t like you and me. They’re able
to subsist on three hundred calories a day, their self-discipline borders on
unbelievable (who else can control a PMS-craving?), and they get paid ridiculous
amounts of money to stay thin.

As I’m writing this, I’m snacking on pretzels and full-fat
string cheese. Why? Because no one’s paying me ten thousand dollars for my hip
bones to jut from my body.

What Adriana says she does is no different from what bodybuilders
do to prepare for a competition. Most of them begin dieting 6-12 weeks before a
show. How would you like to subsist on dry chicken breast, dry brown rice and
veggies? They remove water from their diet the day before also to look their best.

I mean, give the girl a break. She was just being honest. I
suppose a different response from her could have been, “I have a super-fast
metabolism. I can eat whatever I want without gaining weight,” which is code
for “I binge on whatever I want and then puke it all up in the toilet.” Or “I’m
really health-conscious. No red meat, dairy, bread, sweets or alcohol,” which
is code for “I’m anorexic, and pride myself on my self-control.”

What I’ve always wanted to know is how do models carry on
“normal” relationships with men? Men like to eat, don’t they? Men love a woman
who cooks for them, right? So, what does a model girlfriend do – cook their man
a steak, with a baked potato and salad on the side and watch them eat? Or
they’ll eat, but only three bites?

The restricted diet of models often results in constipation,
skin problems, bad breath. If their man takes them on vacation to Bora Bora,
how do they wear a bikini when they’re constipated? I feel like I swallowed a
pregnant elephant when I’m constipated. Are they continuously sucking on a tic
tac to mask their dragon breath? Wearing a thick layer of camouflage makeup to
bed to hide their acne? Models don’t talk about this stuff.

In an attempt to undo her verbal damage and appear like a
regular gal, Adriana proudly pointed out her backstage snacks which included
coffee, water and gasp, a piece of cake.
“After this show, I become normal again,” she said, which is code for “I
become a normal model again, so to undo the damage from eating this cake, I’ll
have to exercise for four hours straight and not eat for two days.”

The bottom line? Leave the poor models alone. They’re models
in the first place because they’re freakishly tall and have great bone
structure. They succeed as models because they’re willing to do what it takes
to maintain a size 0, unlike the rest of us. The sooner we stop trying to
emulate them, the better we’ll feel about ourselves.

No one wants to see a pale flabby, cellulite-ridden ass in a
thong sashaying down the runway. Or three rolls of fat hanging over the top of
a red lace garter belt in a catalog.

If out-of-shape models increased VS’s sales of
lingerie, don’t you think they would have figured that out by now? We have to
ask ourselves why we prefer to see Adriana Lima in a teddy than say, Ricki Lake.

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