TO PORN OR NOT TO PORN — THAT IS THE QUESTION

I got together with some friends over the weekend. They’re a
married couple – actually the only
married couple I hang out with, given the fact that I’m single and hate feeling
like an extra appendage. As the day went on, I detected palpable tension
between the husband and wife. Seems they had some “issue” that had been going
on for over a month now. Day turned into night, glasses of wine turned into
bottles and eventually, the issue came out.

Wife had caught husband masturbating to porn. In the living
room after she had gone to bed.

Her reaction: Similar to catching parents having sex –
disgusted, bewildered, in shock

His reaction: Similar to being caught by parents having sex
– embarrassed, ashamed, immediately flaccid

Neither of them spoke of the incident, although wifey
demanded that hubby delete the porn he had saved, lest their nine-year-old,
who’s more technologically savvy than all of us put together, get a crash-course
in Raunchy Sex 101.

Hubby did. Problem solved. Or was it?

The problem was much more complex than a simple adjustment
of parental controls on the flat-screen. Turns out wife has had her retinas
permanently seared with the image of her DH choking the chicken, and not only
is it interfering with her ability to be intimate with him, my guess is every
time she looks at him all she sees is one giant penis.

“I don’t understand why he had to watch porn instead of
coming to me to have sex,” she told me. “It makes me feel like he’d rather
watch other girls than be with me.”

We have a love/hate relationship with porn. Men love it;
women hate it.

Men love it because they’re visually stimulated and
biologically programmed to desire sex with a thousand women. A day. If you’re a
married man, having sex with a thousand different women isn’t a reality.
(Unless you’re married and happen to be a porn star.) So to them, watching porn
is like getting your very first job at Baskin Robbins. So many flavors, all
different kinds, the opportunity to try them all out. Eventually though, you consume
so much ice-cream, you become sick of it. You can’t even look at it anymore
without your stomach turning.

Not so with porn. And therein lies the conundrum. Many men
become addicted to it, to the point where they don’t even want to have sex with
their wives or girlfriends anymore.

How are we women supposed to compete with the Jenna Jamesons
of the porn world? I don’t particularly want to go out and get triple F boobs
and have sex with the mailman, the water delivery guy and the meter reader
(who’s female) all at the same time, while doing a backbend.

One woman on a sex forum wrote in saying she was horrified
to learn that her husband watched porn because she felt their marriage was
sacred and hers was the only female body he should see naked. You can imagine
the comments from the men on that one! As unrealistic as this woman may be, it
doesn’t change this one fact:

We, as women, want to be the “ideal” to our significant
others. We want to be the sexiest, the most beautiful, most desirable women to
our men. We want them to want us THE MOST.

Most men usually do think their wives are the greatest. It’s
just that sometimes they like a bit of uncomplicated, private release from time
to time. They don’t want to have to worry about pleasing their women.

One man in defense wrote, “When I am making love to my wife,
I experience an emotional connection with her. When I am masturbating to porn,
I have absolutely no emotional attachment to the person in the picture
whatsoever. I am merely getting aroused by what I see and using that to satisfy
a sexual urge.”

I think it’s all about balance. Too much of anything can be
bad. Especially if it results in being banished to sleeping on the couch for
the rest of your marriage.

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. heidibird
    Sep 14, 2011 @ 11:10:27

    I don’t understand why women are shocked or upset by their husband or significant other watching porn. I think the only time that would be a problem is if he prefers porn to the extent that he is ignoring my sexual needs. But occasional porn- who cares.

    Reply

  2. The harem's master
    Sep 14, 2011 @ 11:31:03

    I fully agree with the fella you quoted. The “talent” shows no emotional connection to each other, so how can the viewer feel any. I also agree it’s a matter of balance. Excesses of anything is not good.

    Reply

  3. 02fan
    Sep 14, 2011 @ 15:25:35

    I can’t quit laughing at the lack of discretion the guy showed by doing his thing where his son or wife could walk in unannounced. Sounds like it was better his wife than his son though.
    Maybe she could have handled it better and offered to take care of it for him if they could move to the bedroom.
    I agree with the emotional connection defense otherwise it’s just stress relief and women masturbate too.

    Reply

  4. burntcienna
    Sep 16, 2011 @ 08:12:38

    Porn is a touchy subject. I ran into it with my fiance’ a few months back. We don’t see each other during the week, due to different work shifts. He was logging into porn sites during the week and I found out by mistake. I was quite irrationally upset. I’m sex craved. I pretty much want it all the time and am always open to new idea, so the idea he was watching without me hurt. We thoroughly enjoy watching the stuff together, but watching it alone, that’s my issue I need to get over. I love your article on the subject.

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Sep 16, 2011 @ 09:26:57

      Thanks burntcienna — my ex was a chronic masturbater and I remember asking him one time if he would be in to doing it in front of me. He looked at me a little horrified and said, “Um, no, it’s kinda a personal thing for me.” Huh?! I guess for a lot of men, they’ve been masturbating since being weaned off the bottle and we women just need to understand that. Sort of like men needing to understand our compulsion to shop. I’d much rather shop than masturbate. I think it becomes a problem when, as heidibird said, your SO would rather wank it than have sex…

      Reply

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