90210 SOFA

If you ever want to feel really crappy about being single,
go furniture shopping. You will never see so many couples in one place as you
will in a furniture store. “What do you think of this one, honey?” “Does this
go with our décor?” “Is it too hard, too soft, the right color, shape,

I went furniture shopping alone, of course. This place was
having a great sale on a sofa and man, oh man, did I need a sofa. My current
sofas were ghetto, as in “had seen better days at someone else’s house.” I had
purchased this sofa and loveseat eight years ago in a garage sale from an
anal-retentive upper-class couple who had decided to redecorate. They were in
mint condition, extremely uncomfortable, and white with a pale beige design. I
didn’t care. My ex took our $1200 couch when he split, and left me the formal
dining set that we never used. Which I suppose was fine, since the couch had
been his bed for the last year-and-a-half — the springs were shot to hell and
the cushions had actually molded to his body like a memory foam mattress.

I bought the white couches, which are now a dull gray color
from dirt that won’t come out, spills of dubious nature, various ground-in
salty snack food,  dog fur, cat fur, my
son’s bare butt and his yet-to-be-mastered wiping ability. There are tears and
rips from the cats using the arms as scratching posts, from my son doing
somersaults and flips, from the dog trying to get away from my son, from the
cats trying to get away from the dog.

When I impulsively bought a pool table last year, it had to
take up residence in the larger of the two living rooms. My son and I were
relegated to the smaller living room to watch TV on the extremely impractical
loveseat. My son’s only fifty-four pounds and we both barely fit on it.

“This will never do,” I’d say to myself, shaking my head
sadly. “If I ever again have a boyfriend, this goddamn ghetto loveseat will
never do!” I was not only embarrassed to have someone I hadn’t known for ten
years sit on it due to all the filth and rips, but how in the hell would I ever
be able to watch a movie with someone and actually be comfortable? You couldn’t
stretch out, or cuddle – or have three people in the room needing to sit at the
same time.

Could I afford a new sofa? Well, of course I couldn’t. But
it was a deal I couldn’t pass up, so I left it up to the Gods of credit – and
lo and behold, I was approved. I don’t know what I was more excited about –
that I was actually going to get a new sofa, or that I had actually been
approved, even with my less than stellar credit, with a $3500 credit line. I
considered refurnishing my entire home so I could impress my fantasy future
boyfriend-to-be, and keep up with the Jones’ (or in my case, the Gonzelez’)and
then I remembered I didn’t actually have any gainful employment to speak of, so
I floated back down to my trailer park reality. The sofa would have to do for

When my three-piece sage green sofa replaced that morsel of
a loveseat, it was like comparing a Volkswagon to a Rolls Royce. I had died and
gone to microfiber heaven. I was able to push pieces together and create a bed!
Two adults could actually stretch out on each side of the sofa and comfortably
visit. And of course, when and if the time came, I’d be able to stretch the
length of my body against another, or curl up in someone’s arms while watching
a chick flick – ok, maybe not a chick flick – but the potential and the
possibility is there, where it wasn’t before. And that makes me feel warm and fuzzy

Now if only I could get rid of the dog piss smell in my

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