WHAT YOU TALKIN BOUT GWYNETH?

Stupid stuff

It took me a while to gather my thoughts for this post. I had to first gather the pieces of my exploded head and put them all back together again. What made my head explode? Not men this time, no. It was the asinine comments made by a celebrity. Usually I ignore what a celebrity has to say. About anything. Unless it’s George Takai or Morgan Freeman. Or my future husband, Al Pacino. As for every other celebrity and/or model, they need to understand that the general public doesn’t respect anything that comes out of their mouths simply because they make too much damn money. Anyone who spends more on a child’s birthday party than what an average home costs in California is not rooted in reality.

Let’s take Gwyneth Paltrow for example—the celeb who made my head explode. I already dislike her, because 1. She’s blonde and I’m not, and 2. She’s super skinny and I’m not, and 3. She’s very rich and I’m not. So the bitch already has 3 strikes against her. As if those weren’t reasons enough, I started to really despise her when I discovered this funny little piece written by Jamila Rizvi (who I don’t know, but I automatically like because she looks more like me). Gwyneth is a health and fitness fanatic who I’m guessing doesn’t consume more than 50,000 calories in a year. During the holidays she admitted she splurges a little, which probably means she consumed 5 salted cashews and a handful of popcorn with butter. That’s certainly enough sodium to make anyone gain half an ounce in water weight. So what’s Gwyneth’s solution to getting back on track after all that gluttonous splurging? A cleanse, of course—a cleanse that’s “warming, filling and doesn’t feel like a sacrifice.”

Great! Sign me up, because I’m positive I must have 17 pounds of chocolate and Christmas cookies impacted in my colon.

Gwyneth explains, “Our winter detox has looser guidelines and restrictions than ones we’ve done in the past but here is what we’re avoiding: dairy, gluten, shellfish, anything processed (including all soy products), nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers and eggplant), condiments, sugar, alcohol, caffeine and soda.”

Wait, what?

Breakfast is a cup of freaking herbal tea. Fine, I might be able to hang with that, but come lunch time I’ll be ready to eat my own arm, so what’s to eat? 6 cups of hot water with chickpeas. I stopped reading after that, because while she suggested things to do to make you less hungry (Wearing socks and drinking MORE herbal tea), my guess is she must eat her money to stay full, since no human can remain conscious on a mere 300 calories a day. But stars and models are a special kind of breed so I’ll forgive the insane dieting rituals they must put themselves through to remain emaciated.

Then came the announcement last week of Gwyneth and Chris Martin’s separation—no, wait, “conscious uncoupling.” Gwyneth introduced the term many of us hadn’t ever heard before. It’s basically a new-age, no-drama approach to the splitsville process coined by the psychotherapist, Katherine Woodward Thomas. “The process of conscious uncoupling involves breathing exercises and a lot of self-reflection to ‘break up victimization,’” Ms. Thomas said. Right. So instead of wallowing in self-pity for years like I did, lamenting the fact that I was a complete dumbass for choosing my dysfunctional partner in the first place, or going the no-drama route as opposed to say, having to call 911 because he threatened to kill me, I imagine Gwyneth and Chris sat down to dinner one night and in between Gwyneth asking Chris to pass the brussel sprouts without any seasoning, butter, or oil, she asked him for a divorce as well. Now that’s what I call congeniality.

Now again, I can forgive Gwyneth for being an airy fairy head, because let’s face it, you have to be somewhat kooky to survive Hollywood; what I can’t forgive is her making ignorant and downright stupid remarks over something she knows nothing about. On Page Six of the NY Post, she talks about wanting to spend more time with her kids—a noble gesture, only she should have stopped there, because she goes on to say “things are more difficult for her than other moms, because of the demanding nature and unpredictable schedule of her acting career.”

Uh-huh. Do tell, Gwyneth.

“I think to have a regular job and be a mom is not as, of course there are challenges, but it’s not like being on set,” Paltrow said.

You’re damn right it’s not like being on set. You want to know what it’s like being on set? I’ll tell you, because I have, in fact, been on set and it sure as hell doesn’t give you varicose veins from sitting all day for a stinking office job. When you’re a lead actress, you roll out of bed and in to the hair and makeup chair. Then you go back to your private trailer and wait until they’re ready for you. You see, all the tedious work is done by a stand-in (which I’ve been) so the lead doesn’t have to stand on her feet for hours under hot lights while the crew sets up the shot. As soon as things are ready, the actress comes out, does her scene, and returns to her trailer where she is free to do whatever she wants—have sex, sleep, exercise, eat then vomit, get a massage, yap on the phone, online shop, fart around on Facebook…she can even have her kids with her if she so chooses because there are on-set tutors!

Gwyneth bitches about not being able to do a routine with her kids because, “When you’re shooting a movie, they’re like, ‘We need you to go to Wisconsin for two weeks,’ and then you work 14 hours a day, and that part of it is very difficult.”

Yes, it is indeed very difficult to have to work 14-hour days for only two weeks out of the year when you could be working 9 to 5 every day, and then rushing home to make a box of Mac n Cheese before soccer practice, racing home after that to get homework done, a shower, bedtime, after which you collapse from exhaustion into bed yourself. That’s my idea of quality time with the kids X 100. (Check out this delicious open letter to Gwyneth from a working mom.)

What do you mean that’s NOT the routine you were referring to, Gwyneth? Your nanny does all that crap for you? You just wanted to be home to kiss the kids good night? Why didn’t you say so? It’s extremely stressful to have the nanny thrown off her schedule. Everyone knows that. So next time, Gwyneth, let’s have your nanny make these comments instead of you, because as I said before, no one wants to hear complaining from someone who has probably never had a “regular” job and makes more money in a second than they’ll ever see in a lifetime. Mmmkay?

11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kath
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 16:15:21

    Oh my God, Baby, I doubled over laughing when I read this. Now, I may not have kids, but I am out the door at 6 a.m. and often not back home until 7 p.m. That doesn’t leave me much time for anything when I’m up at five and in bed by nine. Cry me a river, Gwynnie. Look at how REAL women live their lives before you open your mouth & insert your foot.

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Apr 03, 2014 @ 09:59:37

      Allow me to share a few more gems that have come from her mouth:

      “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin,” the actress told a British talk show.

      “I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.”

      “I drank like crazy [when the kids were babies]. How else could I get through my day?”

      Now that last comment at least makes her seem like every other mother. :)

      Reply

  2. Grief Happens
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 19:57:51

    I just about fell out of bed laughing!! Yep, she needs to just stop talking.

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Apr 03, 2014 @ 09:54:17

      But you know she won’t. I once saw her on the Cooking Channel with Mario Batali (who happens to be one of her good friends). They were in Italy together and he was showing her how to cook a few dishes. Where were her kids then, I wonder? You know who shows me how to cook? Kraft.

      Reply

  3. RisingSong
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 21:23:58

    Gag me!!! How about having to tell your kids (because they ask) that the ugly veins on your legs are from working 14 hour days on your feet while you were pregnant with them!!! I wonder how long her maternity leave was??

    Good to see your hilarious witty writing again…I had missed it :)

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Apr 03, 2014 @ 09:41:09

      Haha…and they WILL ask! “Mom, what are those ugly blue things on the backs of your legs, and will I get them, too?” Whenever I want to guilt my son, I remind him of the 18 hours of excruciating back labor I went through to birth him. Now he just rolls his eyes and says, “Yeah, yeah.” I’m sure Gwyneth had an easy water birth without drugs and could fit into her size 0 skinny jeans 2 days later.

      Reply

  4. Crazy. Kinda.
    Apr 02, 2014 @ 10:18:23

    I’ve never been a Paltrow fan. Why? For the completely shallow reason that my fiance’s ex-girlfriend from our college years held a striking resemblance to the famous blond twit. Of course, my insecurities led me to believe that every time he drooled over Paltrow, he was thinking of his ex. Now that I have his child, I’m totally over it.

    I have more important things to concern myself over; such as how easy I have it as a 9-5 working mom. I had no idea how easy I have it in comparison to famous folk. For a while, as a new mom, it was really easy. I had a babysitter that came to my house. We’re lucky, you know. I work 9-5, my fiance works 3:30 – 11:30 PM. So that fact that we see each other for 15 minutes first thing in the morning as I’m dropping the baby on his head while he’s still sleeping, makes for a perfect relationship. We have weekends together, what more do we need?

    Then our babysitter found herself a real job. Searching for a trustworthy, reliable daycare that would take our son for only 2 hours a day? Super easy! No worries about the fact that even though he’s only there 2 hours a day and we still have to pay for the whole day. We make tons of money, since I work in an accounting office at a non-profit and my fiance works as a machine operator in a factory.

    Of course, as a working mother, I have no problem with the fact that Daddy gets more time with the baby than I do and I get the “witching” hours. Work 8 hours, then spend time with a tired, cranky 10 month old? No problem! It’s EASY! I have so much time in the world to get the laundry done, make dinner, pick up baby toys, tend to the dog and cats and anything else that comes my way. I got this! I’m just a 9-5 working mom. Life is so simple! Boy, am I glad I don’t make millions and spend so much time away from my child. It’s the small things you have to be thankful for!

    *On a serious note: I truly am thankful my son gets so much time with his Daddy. I really am ok with paying for a full day of daycare when he’s only there 2 hours. The peace of mind knowing he’s in good hands is worth it’s weight in gold. And believe it or not, I’m ok with his first word being “Daddy”, even if it is still really jumbled and I’m not 100% convinced that’s what he’s actually saying. And even at his most cranky, I’ll take the time I have with my son and cherish every moment, because he is my most prized possession.

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Apr 03, 2014 @ 09:35:34

      I hear ya! Childcare is one of the most frustrating situations because you’re right–you have to pay for a whole day even if you only want 2 hours. I’ll only say this here, and you may not be at this stage yet, but I would have killed to be able to fly off to Wisconsin for 2 weeks to get a break from all the routine. Can you imagine staying in a 5-star hotel and having all your needs taken care of? Maybe since Gwyneth lives like this all the time, it’s no big deal to her. Maybe doing her own laundry and feeding her kids and petting her dog IS like a vacation to her. Yeesh.

      On another note, you rock, SuperMom!

      Reply

  5. Crazy. Kinda.
    Apr 03, 2014 @ 09:41:00

    Gawsh. You make me blush. I think the only real definition of SuperMom is keeping your child alive and well. If it’s anything more than that (on some days) I would be a complete failure.

    Reply

  6. Crazy. Kinda.
    Apr 03, 2014 @ 10:07:24

    Pretty much sums it up.

    Reply

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