IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT YOU CHOSE CRAPPY MEN

Bad Decision

2014 is the year I’ve decided to take back my power. Nobody likes a whiny little bitch and God knows I’ve blamed myself for my craptastic life way too long. Women have a tendency to do that all the time—blame themselves for everything that goes wrong. They become the “victim,” which in turn leads to depression or apathy or alcoholism (or all three) and trust me, that’s no way to live.

2014 is the year I start blaming other factors for my craptastic choices. So if you’re a woman who has made craptastic choices in men and blamed yourself, read on to realize why it wasn’t your fault.

BLAME HORMONES. A U.K. study found women who take the Pill choose the “wrong” man. Women are attracted to men whose genetic makeup is dissimilar to their own. But women on the Pill end up choosing a more genetically similar mate, which would be like the equivalent of having sex with your first cousin. Ultimately, it all has to do with a man’s smell. If she’s on the Pill and her man smells like ass, she won’t realize it until she’s gone off the Pill. Then her man will make her want to hurl every time he gets close, and no amount of Drakkar Noir is going to change it. So, kudos to being responsible with birth control; Boo to unknowingly choosing a man who stinks.

BLAME BIOLOGY. Women are hard wired to respond to a confident man. It has to do with survival of the fittest and all that caveman nonsense. The problem is that confidence is often coupled with douchebaggery. His level of self-confidence usually doesn’t match his successes…or morals…or values…or ability to remain faithful. And by the time we’ve figured that out, we’re the ones left feeling like crap because they’ve chosen yet another asshat. So, kudos to wanting to propagate the species; Boo to choosing an unevolved Neanderthal.

BLAME ALCOHOL. Alcohol is the mother of bad judgment. Why do people look so much more attractive when you’re drunk? Because alcohol impairs your vision so everything looks fuzzy and out of focus. You don’t notice the numerous imperfections or you’re too drunk to care. So when you end up marrying a man with a peg leg and an eye patch at an Elvis Chapel in Vegas, chances are in order to make that union work, you’re going to have to remain drunk throughout the marriage. So, kudos to being a fun party gal; Boo to choosing road kill that should have remained on the road.

I don’t know about you, but blaming everything else under the sun but me for my mistakes feels pretty liberating. It’s like finally seeing the results from dieting, without having to do all that pesky deprivation and exercise crap.

What else can we blame for our mistakes?

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. taylor oceans
    Feb 19, 2014 @ 15:21:00

    hahahahahahahahahahhaha best pic ever and great ass. Terrible parents

    Reply

  2. Dr. Katharine Pope
    Feb 19, 2014 @ 16:31:48

    Tiffany, I LOVE this post. You’re right, it’s about time we start blaming others for the mistakes they’ve projected onto us! Sure, of course we are to blame (sometimes). But a lot of the time, we take the blame for the mistakes of others, and instead of lifting us up to an almost saint-like status, it drags us down.

    Besides, nobody likes a martyr.

    Reply

  3. menopausalmother
    Feb 19, 2014 @ 19:22:34

    AWESOME POST!!! Hey, I blame men for my Viking appetite—they cause me stress, and when I’m stressed, I eat. Yep—the male species is to be blamed for my weight gain…..that and all those damn kids a certain man impregnated me with…..

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Feb 19, 2014 @ 20:06:52

      Oh yes, kids make the BEST scapegoats also! I need to do an entire post on all the things I can blame for weight gain…and aging…and stress…and social media procrastination…and…

      Reply

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