WORST GIFTS EVER.

worst_christmas_gift_ever_mugChristmas is my favorite time of year, along with Halloween. I love giving, more than receiving (which is why I’d make a better Mistress than Sub) and because of that trait, I’m going to give you all a Gift-Giving Guide for every person on your list. Stress no more, because I have all the answers for you…

Are you scratching your coconut, wondering what to get the cat lover in your life? How about this magnet set, so every time they open the fridge they get the ole stink eye, aka the furry eyeball? It’ll remind them constantly of their fur baby, and if they’re dieting, may even help reduce their appetite a bit.

Cat butts

No cat lovers? How about a lover of dogs? Bet they’ve never seen anything like this: Yes, it’s a humping USB dog! I’d even bet his little rump moves back and forth, too, for authenticity.

humping dog usbPerhaps you have a friend who finds cats and dogs distasteful, yet is stuck with the family pet since the son left for college. The major problem with those pesky creatures (besides needing to eat and relieve themselves) is they like to be pet. But now you never have to touch your pets again! And what I find particularly versatile about this product is it says it’s “Rechargeable for hotel use”–you know, for all those hotels you stay in while on vacation with your distasteful pet.

Pet petterIn keeping with the whole animal theme, someone must have a baby they need to buy for. Babies are easy, because it usually doesn’t take much to amuse them. Every baby has a gazillion teddy bears, but how many have a FARTING teddy bear? Am I right? Guaranteed laughs for everyone! And hopefully the surprising noise won’t scare the hell out of the baby and make them howl with fear.

Farting teddy bear

Moving up a little in ages and being a mother myself, I’m here to tell you what will bring joy to every young boy’s face on Christmas morning:

UnderwearCan you see the joy?

And little girls? There are so many gift choices out there for them. Who doesn’t love Barbie? I know I did. She’s such an inspiring role model. Dog Poop Barbie teaches girls Responsibility, while Pole Dancer Barbie teaches Entrepreneurship.

Barbie and dog poop

Pole dancer Barbie

Do you need to rinse your eyes with bleach yet? No? Okay, good. Moving right along…

What about those hard-to-please teenagers? For the budding man concerned about smelling good:

Bacon soapOne would have to be olfactory-challenged not to love the smell of bacon–especially in the morning.

And for the ripe girl on the brink of womanhood? This book should be given to girls as soon as they’re able to read imo, but I suppose the sooner you can get it into their inevitable poor-choice little hands, the better. Look, over one million in print! How surprising.

smart women-foolish choices

Men, are you racking your brains trying to come up with something to wow your SO? I have 2 gems for you to choose from, or why not splurge and buy both? We all know how crucial it is for a woman to be well-groomed, especially down there.

kitty carpet

Placenta shampoo

(Note: I wouldn’t advise using placenta to wash the toupee. Just sayin’.)

Aren’t men so hard to shop for? Seems like they have everything they need, don’t they? I can almost guarantee they won’t have either of these babies already. I mean really, if the woman is going to go through all the trouble of wearing a carpet down there and shampooing with placenta, the least he can do is keep his wiener clean.

weiner cleaner

And warm. Because nobody likes a frozen wiener.

Cock sock

If you happen to be the single male friend of an attached man you’d like to see single–you know, so you can do fun single male stuff together like go to bars and cruise chicks, get him these and you’ll be sure to see his relationship quickly implode. Hurray! Shots for everyone!

Control a Woman

Is there a Climax button on this thing?

The Equality Illusion

Everyone knows at least one pathetic, sad female without a special someone to call her own, right? They deserve gifts, too. The boyfriend pillow lets them know they’re not painfully alone; Unfortunately, the cookbook states otherwise, but it’s a practical gift–especially for the gal who has to watch her finances because of a meager one-income household.

boyfriend-pillow

Microwave Cooking for one

Do you have a friend who always gets depressed around this season? Telling them to “Snap out of it!” may seem a little harsh so why not give them one of these gifts instead, to subtly convey your sensitivity over their “delicate condition”?

Depression for dummiesWorst of times

Coffee lover? Mmmm, I don’t know about you, but nothing makes me want to enjoy my coffee more than drinking it from a toilet bowl.

Toliet bowl mug

And what about the nauseating cutesy couple in Apt. 4G? You know the one–they appear to be conjoined twins and share a joint Facebook page. Awww, doesn’t it look like 2 elephants holding trunks?

pb-and-j-beard

What about your Jewish boss? Move over ugly Christmas sweaters! There’s a new kid in town.

Ugly Hanukkah Sweater

Don’t forget Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma needs to look hip before she can go to the casino and gamble away her Social Security check.

GOLDEN GIRLS NECKLACE

Beads and feathers

And Grandpa? Have him use his aimless puttering around the house for good, instead of constantly-sticking-his-nose-in-your-business evil.

Kleen Stride

        Or, if he really does have EVERYTHING under the sun already, give him a big, fat…

Nothing

There, that should have covered just about everyone on your list. A word of advice–Always have an extra present on hand, just in case. If someone surprises you by unexpectedly giving you a gift, surprise them right back with this one:

shavebaby

Some gifts can’t be bought. Remember, it’s the thought that counts.

Disappointment

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

18 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jack Chaser
    Dec 06, 2013 @ 17:48:08

    Ummmm is there an Amazon link for the cock ring soap?

    Reply

  2. RisingSong
    Dec 06, 2013 @ 19:00:31

    Oh hilarious! This had me in stitches. I think my favorite was the humping USB dog, but I want a bacon soap for every stocking hanging over my fireplace! The prize, however, goes to the toilet mug…just think, brown coffee, hot chocolate, orange juice…they all would have the same effect…ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho. Great post, thanks for the laughs :)

    Reply

  3. tam
    Dec 07, 2013 @ 14:11:21

    wow! a girl would be happy to find so many of these under her tree!

    Reply

  4. menopausalmother
    Dec 07, 2013 @ 20:42:12

    I’ll take a wiener cleaner for my teenage son, the bacon soap for the hubs and the farting teddy bear for me. Just to annoy people. Funny gift guide!

    Reply

    • Tiffany N. York
      Dec 07, 2013 @ 22:54:36

      If you get those for your son and husband, you may never get in to use the shower again! I wouldn’t have pegged you for the farting teddy bear. I’d have guessed the humping USB dog :P

      Reply

  5. RisingSong
    Dec 29, 2013 @ 20:35:24

    Tiffany, the bacon soap caused quite a laugh on Christmas Day. I think my son intends to actually use his! LOL!!!

    Reply

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